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The Mountain of Becoming

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Naomi

Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei raba

The nectar of these varied translucent souls

dance with the westerly breath of air,

with the white petals of the almond trees.

B’alma div’ra chirutei v’yamlich malchutei

They linger above the pale heavy stones

to be reflected in the golden bowl on high.

B’chayeichon uv’yomeichon

These fathers and grandfathers, disciples and teachers both,

tzaddiks and servants blessed in movement and in rest.

Uv’chayei d’chol beit Yisroel

This sacred ground radiates day and night

with ever-present ancient golden sparks

to illuminate with fallen prayers

we who study their words and mitzvot.

Ba’agala Uvizman kariv v’im’ru amen

Those who wander lost

with trembling footsteps in the deserts of Yisroel

gather at the edges to collect the jewels of the gaonim,

eternal students seeking a crown woven with olives.

Y’hei sh’mei raba m’varach l’olam ul’amei almaya

All of them turn heavenward

to The One Above, seeking aliyah

like a child with raised arms,

yearning for the surety of a parent.

Y’hei sh’lama raba min sh’maya

We mingle in memory and story,

rich in history and wisdom,

waiting for our time to return to the Kingdom of Light.

V’chaim aleinu v’al kol Yisroel v’imru amen

They lived in Truth, from the heart,

and we seekers examine the space between the stones

where perhaps a connection lingers to the Promised Land above.

Oseh shalom bimromav hu ya’aseh shalom

We move slowly and carefully

on our path of return,

stumbling on unseen, intangible

boulders of our own creation.

I wrote this while in Israel three years ago, specifically our visit to the Mount of Olives in Jerusalem after visiting the Mussar Masters’ graves. I’d like to dedicate it to my mother-in-law, who passed away a few days ago.

Posted in Mussar, Poetry, Spirituality | Leave a comment

Self-care reminder

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Naomi

We went away to Cabo for a few days over winter break and while at the hotel pool, I had a complimentary 10-minute foot massage. I hadn’t realized what tension I have been carrying around! It dawned on me that I haven’t had a massage in almost three years! Something that had been a regular self-care treat sort of disappeared because of the pandemic and I never put it back.

During the mini massage, I noticed myself taking deeper breaths, letting my shoulders relax, closing my eyes. It gave me time to refocus. I realized that I need to give myself some balance. I’m doing so many things! For the past few weeks, I’ve set aside a few moments to enjoy a cup of tea and look at the nature outside our living room windows. Usually the squirrels are up to something funny, but if not, I like to look at flowers and trees and sky. This new ritual has helped me enjoy a bit of a pause in the middle of the day.

I have also been walking in the neighborhood a few days a week. This is to get myself moving a little since I mostly am sitting at my desk all day. Sometimes it’s just 10 minutes but I enjoy being in the fresh air and seeing what’s going on around the neighborhood. We’ve still got construction going on here and there.

Remember my 30-day plan for healthy eating? It was a great success! I lost 10.2 pounds. The “W” means I walked that day.

I am on Day 4 of another cycle, ready to do it again. I can’t say I notice any big changes yet. Mainly I noticed that my watch is looser. Every day I eat pretty much the same thing, with some variation for dinner veggie choices and a snack of fruit or popcorn in the afternoon.

One thing I like about my chart is that I check off each day. I only weigh myself at Day 15 and Day 30, so I’m focused on true results, not 1/5 pound here or there.

I’m happy that I’ve taken control of my health. I feel proud of myself. I’m still waiting for walking itself not to hurt so much, but I’m getting there.

Posted in Self-compassion | Tagged balance, health, weight loss | Leave a comment

January book reviews

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Naomi

I’m excited for another year of reading great books!

I’ve heard it said that if you want something done, ask a busy person. Maybe that’s how I was able to read so much this month!

A friend helped me tally all the various classes and activities that I’m involved in and we came to 10. That is a lot to have on one plate!

Enjoy the reviews and let me know of any good books you are reading!

Woman on Fire by Lisa Barr

Young journalist searches for a secret painting taken by the Nazis. A bit of a mystery, a bit of historical fiction. Fast-moving and fun. It would be a great movie.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud

The quoting of scripture got a little annoying, but I recognize that this is part of the point of the book. Still very helpful and with many practical suggestions to put into practice.

A Hope More Powerful Than the Sea: One Refugee’s Incredible Story of Love, Loss, and Survival by Melissa Flemming

I reviewed this amazing story in a separate post.

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus

These four excerpts will tell you everything you need to know about this unusual but engaging book:

“What I find interesting about rowing,” Dr. Mason was saying, “is that it’s always done backwards. It’s almost as if the sport itself is trying to teach us not to get ahead of ourselves.” He opened his car door. “Actually, when you think about it, rowing is almost exactly like raising kids. Both require patience, endurance, strength, and commitment. And neither allow us to see where we’re going—only where we’ve been. I find that very reassuring, don’t you?”

Courage is the root of change—and change is what we’re chemically designed to do. So when you wake up tomorrow, make this pledge. No more holding yourself back. No more subscribing to others’ opinions of what you can and cannot achieve. And no more allowing anyone to pigeonhole you into useless categories of sex, race, economic status, and religion. Do not allow your talents to lie dormant, ladies. Design your own future. When you go home today, ask yourself what you will change. And then get started.

“The problem, Calvin,” she asserted, “is that half the population is being wasted. It’s not just that I can’t get the supplies I need to complete my work, it’s that women can’t get the education they need to do what they’re meant to do. And even if they do attend college, it will never be a place like Cambridge. Which means they won’t be offered the same opportunities nor afforded the same respect. They’ll start at the bottom and stay there. Don’t even get me started on pay. And all because they didn’t attend a school that wouldn’t admit them in the first place.”

Had anyone asked him, Calvin would have said Elizabeth Zott was what he treasured most in the world, and not because she was pretty, and not because she was smart, but because she loved him and he loved her with a certain kind of fullness, of conviction, of faith, that underscored their devotion to each other. They were more than friends, more than confidants, more than allies, and more than lovers. If relationships are a puzzle, then theirs was solved from the get-go—as if someone shook out the box and watched from above as each separate piece landed exactly right, slipping one into the other, fully interlocked, into a picture that made perfect sense.

The Jew in the Lotus: A Poet’s Rediscovery of Jewish Identity in Buddhist India by Rodger Kamenetz

Eight Jewish delegates travel to India to have a multi-day dialogue with the Dalai Lama.

The Love Songs of W.E.B. Du Bois by Honorée Fanonne Jeffers

Amazing! I listened to the 30-hour audiobook (I just couldn’t stop and it was worth it). The intergenerational stories that link together through slavery and freedom were transformational. This is an epic book!

Novarodok: A Movement That Lived In Struggle And Its Unique Approach To The Problem Of Man by Meir Levin

This is a slim and engaging book about Rabbi Yosef Yozel Hurvitz, the Alter of Novardok, who founded many yeshivas in Lithuania and Poland in the early 20th century. The school of Novardok was a radical school of Mussar that taught nullifying one’s self-interests, tear down the unworthiness of the heart and mind and allow for inner rebirth. He had some radical methods inspired by the political climate in 1900s revolutionary Russia.

I’m writing my Masters Thesis on the three schools of Mussar that grew out of Rav Yisroel Salanter’s Mussar movement. I also re-read The Fire Within and Illuminating the Generations by Rabbi Hillel Goldberg

Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel

Really excellent plot and a fast-moving read. It’s a sort-of sequel to The Glass Hotel.

More After the Break: A Reporter Returns to Ten Unforgettable News Stories by Jen Maxfield

Do you ever wonder what happened before the cameras started rolling or after the cameras leave? Maxfield introduces her readers to people who have lost children and other loved ones and people who have been through enormous traumas and have mostly recovered. Their stories are amazing and inspiring. I love that Maxfield inserts her own feelings, trepidations, worries, and stories of her family.

“Human being first. Journalist second. Because at the end of the day, we are telling people’s stories. We are there to bear witness, to listen, and to question. We are there to provide a healthy dose of skepticism, coupled with comfort and compassion. The information may flow through us, but we are not a neutral medium. The stories change us, for better or for worse. In my case, the thousands of stories I have covered have left me with a greater appreciation for life, a tendency to forgive myself and others for the mistakes we all make, and an overwhelming sense of respect and gratitude for the people who choose to spend time with me in service to the greater good.”

Novelist as a Vocation by Haruki Murakami

I loved reading about Murakami’s early beginnings as an essay contest winner, what he thinks about the literary world today, and some of his writing experiences.

The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel Pink

I listened to Daniel Pink read this on an audiobook and really enjoyed his explanations of his research on regret, including how to use it for growth.

Crying in the Bathroom: A Memoir by Erika L. Sánchez

Sanchez writes that she “belonged nowhere and everywhere all at once.” Living this contradiction helps her remember that all people “are composed of multitudes,” which is something Walt Whitman could have written too. When she started to feel a sort of intersectionality of identity, neither fully Mexican or American, she became her own home. And she’s really really funny. 🙂

Women of color are regularly praised for our resilience, but what’s too often overlooked is that our resilience is a response to so many forms of violence. For us, resilience is more than a noble trait; it’s a lifestyle that oppression has demanded of us. Either we adapt or we die. Even so, we need not be mere caricatures. Our stories matter, despite what the rest of society would like us to believe. So here I present to you a series of my musings, misfortunes, triumphs, disappointments, delights, and resurrections.

Better to laugh at the absurdity of your time on earth than to resign yourself to mourning all of life’s misfortunes. Laughter is a beautiful form of resilience, one that evinces a generosity of spirit. But sometimes I do wonder: Is it brave to find joy amid despair, or is it simply part of being human? Does it even matter?

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin

I loved this novel! I am guessing it’ll still be a favorite at the end of this year. I loved the story in its originality.

Posted in Books - Monthly Reports | Leave a comment

Book review: A Hope More Powerful Than the Sea

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Naomi

A heartbreakingly honest story of a young woman’s escape from Syria during the war in 2011. Melissa Fleming is a UNHCR worker who hopes that telling Doaa’s story will educate and inspire action to create better experiences for other refugees. No person fleeing conflict or persecution should have to die trying to reach safety. Doaa was endangered many times and saw 500 people drown around her. She barely survived.

I think memoirs and recountings like this are crucial because they put a human face on such a faraway situation. Doaa’s story makes it pretty easy to imagine myself in her situation, with her close family bonds and her disbelief of what occurred around her. The fact that many nations experience this is tragic, something I wouldn’t think could happen in our modern age.

By the Syrian war’s fifth year, according to UN estimates, over 250,000 people would be killed and over 1 million injured. Meanwhile, 5 million Syrians, such as Doaa’s family, would be forced to flee across borders, while 6.5 million would be internally displaced, often forced to move several times to other parts of the country where they could find pockets of safety. By 2016, Syrians would become the largest displaced population in the world.

More lives would inevitably be lost at sea. Worldwide wars, conflict, and persecution had forced more people to flee their homes and seek refuge and safety elsewhere than at any other time since people began keeping track of the displacements. By the end of 2014, UNHCR would record close to 60 million forcibly displaced people, 8 million more than in the previous year. Half of those were children. Every day that year, on average, 42,500 people became refugees, asylum seekers, or internally displaced, a fourfold increase in just four years.

Half of the Syrian population (almost five million people) has been forced to flee their homes in order to save their lives. Another 6.5 million are internally displaced. Since March 2011, at least a quarter of a million Syrians have been killed in the fighting (some estimates double that number), and over one million have been injured. Life expectancy among Syrians has dropped by more than twenty years, and an estimated 13.5 million people, including 6 million children, are in need of humanitarian assistance. But half of those people in need are in hard-to-reach or besieged areas, making the delivery of aid very difficult, and in some places impossible.

Posted in Books | Tagged refugee, Syria | Leave a comment

Choosing health: physically and spiritually

Posted on January 12, 2023 by Naomi

I know I’m not alone in boomeranging between actively being healthy and letting things go to the back burner. I was doing so well and was so motivated leading up to Sweet Girl’s Bat Mitzvah a year ago. I lost 25 pounds! But then my resolve left me, I took a break from my trainer, and started eating sweets again. I have been in denial that extra calories in equals extra weight. Now I weigh more than I ever have before.

More and more, I dislike my appearance. I am getting a big tummy and tush. My face looks heavier. My fingers look pudgy. It’s completely vain, but I really don’t like my physical body right now, and because of it, I sometimes doubt myself in other arenas too. This leads to the second point, because our outer movements connect to our inner world. I’m not living by my own values… I am not treasuring and maintaining the body I have. I am not making wise choices. I am not being disciplined enough. Therefore, I judge myself harshly.

I truly wanted to find the motivation that would outweigh my sloth. But I just couldn’t. Thinking long-term didn’t help. Telling myself that my body is a gift from God didn’t help. Being ashamed of how I look didn’t help.

Why is this so hard??? It seems like a simple decision: don’t eat the chocolate, the chips, the candy!

A few things changed:

We have some family members who have had health issues that could have been prevented with proper physical care of themselves.
Mr. B is actively taking charge of his own health – going to checkups, eating better, exercising.
I’m frequently out of breath. It’s harder to go up and down stairs. I have heartburn. I am just heavier, which seems to make everything else more difficult.
I know I am better than this.
I’m tired of thinking about this and feeling bad about myself.

And so I began what always works for me… eating 1200 calories a day and going for walks. This is the physical part.

The motivation is spiritual. It came primarily from a new teaching in a Mussar course I have been taking for almost two years now.

Step 1, becoming aware, is big. “Hitlamdut” is an essential aspect because you have to watch your own thoughts and tendencies. In my Alei Shur class, we were discussing – and this is a generalization – how the things we take pleasure in could come from either our lower selves or from a higher place. In making choices, it’s one thing to choose chocolate, laying around or sitting all day at a desk, etc. It is pleasurable, yes, but in order to make elevated choices, I must find a way to make healthy food and exercise pleasurable too. Only then will I be able to become transformed within myself, to grow.

Here’s the logic of the method:

Become aware of my instincts and tendencies. Check.
Choose to move from living instinctively to living consciously. The hardest part for me.
Choose the right way of acting. Actually not that hard once Step 2 is done.

Step 2, THE CHOICE, is where you consciously decide to make an elevated decision. In this teaching, it comes from an awareness of the deeper level within us that is God-like. In this way, the choice AND OURSELVES are elevated. You are becoming more aware and then choosing to act based on that awareness, acting from the most Godly place.

My higher self knows what is best for me. In following that diet/exercise plan, I am deciding to enjoy those things too. I will enjoy the salad because I know I’m taking care of my body. I will take pleasure in movement because it is a privilege that only a physical person has. Once I can find a way to find pleasure in something, the theory goes that I will want it. I will incorporate it into who I am.

Of course I want to live on this level!

Exercise (lower self says yuck) must be viewed as pleasurable in order for it to become something I want to do. So I’m just getting my body moving – starting slow.

The other big thing that happened is that I made this mundane conundrum public in the Q&A part of the class. A few people reached out to me to offer support or to thank me for being vulnerable and honest. THAT WAS BIG. The simple truth that other people struggle in the same way and that they were cheering me on nudged me in the right direction.

I am knowingly tricking myself into this. I am going to take it 30 days at a time. If I think I only have to be resolute in refusing chocolate chip cookies, dessert, chips, etc. for 30 days, I can do it. If I restrict myself to 1200 calories a day for only 30 days, I can do it. And then… the reward will be noting how I feel, the weight I lost, what clothes fit better, etc.

And then I will decide to do it again for another 30 days. I think the reason the Bat Mitzvah worked as motivation for me for 3 months was that it was time-bound and there was an end-point. (Obviously, we should be eating healthy and exercising our entire lives, etc.) So I’m giving myself artificial end-points.

And then there’s this new beginning. It’s a new year. In May, I will graduate from my Masters program and also I might see a bunch of friends in person at a Mussar retreat. Four or five cycles of 30 day sprints should take me far.

I’m really excited about this. One week in, I’m not finding it too difficult to adhere to. I feel like I’m on this journey with some of my fellow Mussarniks. I wish the benefits were noticeable, but I know it takes time.

I’ll keep you posted.