Letter to my daughter

I’m replaying some old posts while I take some time to relax with my family.  This one originally ran 1/26/11.

My sweet girl,

You are innocence.  Imagination.  Authenticity.  You are my best self.  Pure.  Unedited.

I watch you in an ordinary moment – you are sorting buttons, utterly absorbed in their textures and colors as you count them and rearrange them.  Your wispy hair reflects golden sunshine streaming from the window behind you.  Your eyes are focused and intent.  You are absolutely beautiful, so much so that I could cry.

I can’t imagine anything you could ever do that would cause me to ever love you less than I do now.  You have my heart always.  I believe in you.  I’m excited to see who you are at 5, at 20, at ages I haven’t even reached yet; as a student, as a wife, as a mother; as you grow and find your voice, trust in yourself, overcome obstacles, and cultivate hopefulness in yourself and those around you.

You are vulnerable to the future, as we all are, to all those you haven’t yet met, to all the stories you haven’t yet heard that will shape you, to the places yet unseen.  I hold that vulnerability as a well within myself for you, since you do not yet know it’s there .  And there will be joy, immeasurable I hope.  I wish I could hold you in this moment forever, yet it is already gone.

I hope we are teaching you compassion, a sense of connection to others, courage.  I hope you feel that you belong, that you are surrounded by love.

Love,  Mommy

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How not to lose your mind raising children

I’m replaying some old posts while I take some time to relax with my family.  This one originally ran 8/6/12.All of a sudden, there’s space. Glorious empty space for breathing and relaxing into, like a large soft chair with a chenille blanket and a cup of chamomile tea offering cozy reflection time. I’m not sure what prompted the shift in perspective, for that’s exactly what it is… A different way of processing pretty much exactly the same circumstances.


Sweet girl still needs me as much (dare I say “more than”?) as always, asking for my time and attention and dreading separations, but I don’t mind anymore.  I seem to have acquired the ability to distance myself from the emotion that is this three and a half year old spinning ball of energy and moods, yet still observe and respond as need requires, like before. Is this the observer mind that my mindfulness books speak of? I wonder only because I don’t feel detached or distant… I love her more fiercely and completely today than yesterday, if that’s possible.  All of a sudden, I appreciate who she is in and of herself and love watching her grow and change.


There are some circumstances that prompt an ironic wink or a conspiratorial chuckle from deep within.  I can’t seem to find the familiar feelings of frustration and anger when my daughter changes her mind yet again, as she often does.  I see myself as part of a motherhood chain that goes back through time. Surely I am the same prehistoric mother who had to run back into the cave for her child’s forgotten security object (perhaps a spoon? A leaf? I don’t know… Were kids allowed childhoods back then or were they put right to work?)


I’ve tried for all these days to get beyond my limitation of exasperation and that sense that too much is being taken from me (time, energy, physical space) with not nearly enough left for myself or anyone else… when I would carry a magazine article around all day but not get even a few minutes to read it, or wanting a lazy day when I didn’t have to entertain another person with craft projects, snacks and meals, fun outings or educational teachings.


Sure, I still want those things. But all of a sudden, I see this little person as transient, growing up all too soon and off to live her own life away from me.  I have heard from enough empty nesters to realize that the gift of witnessing a childhood should not be wished away.  So I am noticing and reveling in all of it… the irrational outbursts, the prideful accomplishments, the firsts and seconds and even the mundane thirds, with a sense of humor and perspective.  About time!

I don’t have to solve her “problems” or heal her wounds.  She simply needs me to be there.  My presence, my attention, my enfolding arms are the most important right now.

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The path of kindheartedness

I’m replaying some old posts while I take some time to relax with my family. This one originally ran 3/28/12. The more I learn about mindful living and how we are all connected, the more I know this way of living to be a richer life experience. How about you?

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August 1 OLW blog hop: post it note reminders

OLW post it reminder

OLWbloghop_LOGO_zps1135306cHello friends!

I wonder if every evening when Mr. B comes home from work, he’s a little hesitant because I’ve probably changed something around the house. It happens so frequently that he’s not surprised anymore… maybe just curious. Sometimes it’s that I’ve painted a lamp; other days there’s a new mirror or I’ve rearranged the furniture. What I mean to say here is that when he started seeing Post-it notes around the house, he probably knew it was just me being kooky again and just smiled to himself. Ali’s One Little Word class assignment for July was to put up little reminder notes for ourselves and notice how it affects our progress.

OLW post it notes

I found that these little reminders helped tremendously and I don’t plan to take them down any time soon. The one that says “exhale” is on the door frame to my daughter’s room and every night when I am tiptoeing out after putting her to bed, I notice it and it helps me transition to some me-time.

OLW purse post it reminder

Or the one I have on the door that heads out to the driveway… when we are rushing out in the morning, I see it and I remember the point of what this whole motherhood things is about. Togetherness, love, enjoyment, teaching. It’s not so much getting somewhere on time as it is being calm and present (while still getting there on time). 🙂

I definitely need to make some more reminder notes for myself!

* * * * *

Be sure to visit these other participants to see what everyone is up to. You can see other posts about my OLW project here.

Lee: http://thelinarstudio.typepad.com/embracelife/ (our amazing organizer!)

Cheri: http://cheriandrews.blogspot.com

Michelle: http://www.table-for-five.com

Margareta: http://www.paperpilekitten.com/

Lisa: http://backtoallen.com/category/challenges/one-little-word/

Naomi: http://www.poeticaperture.com/ <— You are here.

Missus Wookie: mrswookieswanderings.blogspot.com <— Go here next.

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Restoration and soul crafting

I’m replaying some old posts while I take some time to relax with my family.  This one originally ran 8/27/12 and got 256 views! You might also enjoy these posts:

soul  restoration brave girls clubThis week I’ll be sharing some of my artwork from this online workshop.  Soul Restoration 1‘s last session of 2012 has begun!! This is the powerful 8-week online workshop that has literally changed thousands of women’s lives around the world.  I’m going against Melody’s advice NOT to share my artwork from the class because 1) registration is still open until September 7 so maybe you would like to sign up too and 2) perhaps something you see here will inspire you or motivate you to move in the direction of positive change for yourself.  (Deep breath here… because this is really close to my heart, I am shoring up for any negativity or criticism, not that any of you have ever been at all critical of me.  I’m sure that’s why Melody says not to share such deeply personal work.)

So today, a bit about the class and some photos of the book I’m crafting for the class. Wednesday, more of the same because there’s way too much material for one post, plus some pictures from my class journal.  Friday, photos of a few of my Truth Cards, which are simple pictorial summaries of key lessons that I can pull out anytime I’m needing a reminder of what I’ve learned.

OK so where to begin? I should explain first that while many of the women in the workshop are working through some really tough issues like divorce, abuse, financial woes, low self-esteem, and so on, I am using the class as an opportunity to carve out some time for myself, to think about what big goals I have for my photography/creative self going forward, and to remember all the things that I am good at and bring me joy… all while learning some new craft techniques.  Even though I am not feeling “broken” (been there, done that, thank you very much), I hope to find more of a clarity of my unique purpose and also take better care of myself.

Closed for restoration

The curriculum is not designed to CHANGE anyone, but to help RESTORE us to who we always have been and who we are meant to become.  Above is the cover of my book.  Thinking of my soul as a house, I designed it to be full of belonging and loveliness.  “The real me is still in there” means that I need to push away some of what has been piled onto the walls and floors of my house (negativity, other people’s comments, false expectations, bad experiences, etc.) and find the original structure.  “I am letting go” of such high standards for myself and others and allowing myself time to rest.

“Closed for restoration” to me means surrendering all my expectations and busy-ness and stopping to focus within.  This coincides beautifully with the month of Elul, our time of introspection before the High Holidays.  During Elul we focus on returning… one aspect of which is returning to who we are meant to be.

In the two-page spread above, I selected some Truths that spoke to me the most from pages of them that Melody gives us weekly.  The ones in the sky are general guidance for me:

“The right people and situations will always show up as soon as it is time.”

“You will do tremendous things – things that no one else could ever do – because there is no one in the world who is exactly like you.”

The Truths coming from the sun are directional/guiding:

“You are becoming who you were always meant to become, dear girl.”

“You are not alone… you have never been alone and you never will be.  Accept the love that is meant just for you.”

“You were never meant to fit in.  You were meant to stand out as a light in the darkness.”

“You make an enormous difference; the world would not be as luminous and beautiful without you here.”

Perhaps most important of all, the Truths laying on the grass are soft reminders to let go:

“You must start taking time to nurture yourself, my sweet friend.  No one else is going to do it, and the world needs the very best of you.”

“Be gentle with yourself.”

This next two-page spread is about my “Truthteller.” I think of her as “that still, small voice inside,” maybe it’s God or maybe it’s intuition or maybe it’s somehow connected to something larger than any of us.  It’s that core knowing that is always right.  The Truthteller has all the answers for me and my job is to tune in and hear how she is guiding me.  Thus far, I haven’t been very good at being still enough to listen.  🙂 When I have, it has only led to good things.

* * * * *

“The Brave Girls Club is a worldwide community of women who want to live the best, happiest, most productive and fabulously brave life they can possibly live…and that means something different to every single one of us.  It is an online community, a portal for amazing connections, a news source for everyday heroes, a resource for great ideas, amazing endeavors, everyday problem solving, realistic recipes and unforgettable get-togethers.”

Soul Restoration is one of the Brave Girls online workshops, developed and taught by Melody Ross, and is full of fun craft projects designed to “restore” you to your full self.  “It’s designed to help you really really think and hear your own soul again…to help you remember what brings you the most joy, to realize & remember all of the things that you are good at and that make your heart sing…to get back on track and to unleash the courage and motivation to stay on track….to reunite with your soul.”

Even if you aren’t interested in the class, I encourage you to sign up for their free e-mailed “daily truths.” (They also have a separate one for girls and teens.) P.S. None of these are affiliate links… I simply believe in this.

Come back Wednesday and Friday for more!  🙂

This post was featured in the August 2012 edition of the Post of the Month Club.

Posted in Creativity, E-courses, Mindfulness, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A day of mindfulness

I’m replaying some old posts while I take some time to relax with my family.  This one originally ran 9/12/2011.

I spent my Saturday learning from Karen Maezen Miller, author of Momma Zen and Hand Wash Cold.  Karen is a Zen Buddhist Priest as well as a wife, mother, and teacher.  The retreat was held in the Garden Room of the Great Oaks Manor (in Richmond, TX), which is a beautiful 3-story Southern Colonial home serving as a bed and breakfast.  The Art of Workshops offers many classes throughout the year.  It was run smoothly, the coffee/snacks/lunch was delicious, and there was even a parting gift.  (You know I’ll be back there for The Art of Creativity and The Art of Words!)

How did I hear of this, you ask.  At some point a couple years ago, a friend recommended that I read Momma Zen.  It helped me tremendously in allowing myself to accept (1) how my life had just radically changed due to my daughter’s arrival (Karen jokes that a child is like a flesh-eating disease), (2) that the current state of things is how it is meant to be, and (3) that it’s perfectly acceptable to let go of my own expectations of perfection.  I began following Karen’s blog, Cheerio Road, and when she mentioned that she would be coming to Houston for this retreat, I knew I had to be there no matter what.

I was reminded of an important lesson.  Karen told us that trying to avoid something causes it to chase us more.  I told her that my daughter is constantly asking for my attention and while I think I do give her what she needs most of the time, I am also often saying essentially “not right now.” I’ll color with you right after I put in this load of laundry, or send this one e-mail, or do these dishes.  I learned that attention is the most concrete expression of love.  I think what scares me most, what prevents me from putting my iphone (or whatever else) aside and just being with her, is letting go of everything else in my mind.  Before my daughter was even born, I was panicking about how I would fill my days because sitting and playing with a baby all day sounded like torture.  That stillness.  I am running from it just as much as I yearn for it.  (Karen also says that wherever you are in your life learning, when you have a baby you jump to the front of the class! The selflessness and patience required is mindblowing.) She suggested just being present with her for an hour (no more or less) and perhaps that’s all my daughter will need.  Worth a try.

I also learned that in order to rest your mind, you have to first recognize that you’ve lost it (and boy have I lost my mind lately!), that you’re preoccupied with your thoughts much of the time rather than experiencing what’s right in front of you.  I am someone who has trouble doing nothing.  Paradoxically, you must first empty your mind in order to fill it.  To see, you have to sweep out the cobwebs that block your vision.  It was amazing how alert we all were while listening to Karen.  We were all right there, listening to every teaching, focusing on our breath… our minds open and ready.

One thing Karen told us is that there are no coincidences; there are no accidents.  Therefore, wherever you are is where you’re meant to be.  I was definitely where I needed to be on Saturday.  You are taught whatever you need to know in this moment.  We are led where we need to go next.  Just let things unfold.

So mindfulness… basically it means paying attention to what is happening for you right now.  Pay attention to what you are experiencing with your senses.  All we have is here and now.  The past is over and often evokes pain.  The future hasn’t arrived and often evokes fear.  We have a choice of what to attend to now and what to think about.  Focus on that and let the rest fall away.  It will be there when it’s time to attend to that.  Trust in that.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Fill up.  Let go.  Keep breathing through the discomfort.

In addition to the learning, I enjoyed taking pictures of the grounds at the bed and breakfast.

     

     

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy There are no accidents, also about this day of retreat.  You can read other posts related to mindfulness here.

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