In the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt huge internal resistance about tackling any more projects or areas in my home. As recommended, I saved what will be the toughest space for last, building up successes as motivation, and now I don’t want to do it at all. This particular space is full of personal and sentimental items… old cards and letters and photos. Every time I go in this space, I look around, feel overwhelmed, and leave. One day this week, I took one drawer of old photos to look through… and after several hours of sorting and reviewing them, ended up putting them all back where I got them.
I’ve been feeling terrible about myself because of it. Why can’t I manage to finish what I started?
Listening to the call… I had an aha moment. Keeping the process small, soulspacing one room at a time, and doing each phase until you FEEL you are finished (no timelines) would be much easier… and definitely more fun. Feeling the energy of that completed space would be motivation to move forward with another room. Of course! Here I am trying to purge the entire house at once, running around like crazy from garage to kitchen to bedroom closet, reimagining spaces and getting them all confused. And no room is completely through the process.
Xorin said that our environment is constantly shifting and changing, as is our life, so this process is an ongoing and evolving one. Things shift and change with time and that’s perfectly ok.
So I’m going to begin again in a much more laid-back fashion. There will be no rush. I’ll be in each phase and completely surrender to it, letting what feels right lead me forward. First, I will stop thinking so much about it!
In the interview, Xorin also said that in looking back at his career, he sought projects with passion and creativity and excitement as his goal. He stumbled upon something that he loves and it was a natural progression and journey.
That sounds so much better than me sitting in my house and trying to dream up what’s next for me. Getting out there and just trying things is the way to go. And no pressure… just because one thing didn’t fill me with inspiration and gratitude doesn’t mean there isn’t something else.
And I also love that he’s ok with being in a pause right now to see what’s next. I am so impressed with how in touch he is with himself, his needs, and his goals.
This past week or two, I have let myself slow down more than I have in years. I have let myself lay on the couch and read a book or sit outside in our new sunroom and journal or just stare at the trees. I spent an entire day with the only to-do being visiting my sister and her new baby.
I must say, I honestly can’t remember what I was filling my days with before! I know there was never enough time and I felt hugely rushed. But what was I actually doing? I can see why Mr. B was always wondering how I wasn’t feeling like I have so much free time during weekdays when my daughter is at school.
Of course it feels freeing to release physical objects that no longer serve us and to reimagine how to use that empty space. But these non-physical things are also clutter: fear of being judged, anxiety about success or failure, worry about being accepted, unfinished projects, too many obligations, exhaustion, feeling we are too much or too little, reluctance to let go, toxic relationships, guilt, regret… you get the idea. We need to peacefully let these things go too.
And so I am facing some of these now. I am resting. I am forgiving myself. I am accepting where I am right now. I have been decluttering my house and my schedule, but I also need to focus on decluttering my emotions and heart. And so I also have set an intention that going forward, each and every action should bring forth meaning, peace, growth, or joy. Most of the time, I can create those feelings inside myself by mindfully participating in daily tasks with wonder and gratitude. I am asking myself how I want to feel, what I want each occasion to be like for each participant, and what goals it serves. I am asking myself repeatedly, “Am I speaking and behaving how I wish to be? Is this who I am wanting to become?”
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