I’m enjoying the discussion we started on people-pleasing! Let’s continue our discussion about the 3 P’s (People-Pleasing, Perfection, and Pretending to be Superwoman) by talking about Perfection. What is it and how does it serve/not serve us?
Tanya Penny offers a free 3-part virtual workshop if you sign up for her mailing list. Her workshop includes a video lesson, an audio lesson, and a live virtual class, each with lots of great information about what these patters are, how and why they manifest in your life, and how to heal from them.
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If you’re like me, like most people, human, you have a bunch of half-finished projects sitting around that you mostly intend to get to someday. We wonder how we can start something new when we have all these unfinished things all around us. In an amazing interview on MarieTV, Elizabeth Gilbert said “this is huge for women because it’s all rooted in perfectionism, which is, of course, the murderer of all good things. Perfectionism is killing joy, spontaneity, wonder, grace, humility. I always call perfectionism ‘fear in high-heeled shoes’ because it’s fancy. It’s like a really fancy eau couture version of fear because perfectionism can advertise itself as a virtue.”
You have an inner perfectionist if you put more time or more effort into something than is necessary. And it does seem like a virtue at first. Why wouldn’t it be a good thing to work hard at something and focus on details? As I was watching the video of Tanya talking about this trait, I immediately thought of my daughter’s last birthday party. What was important to her and what was important to me were miles apart. The amount of time and energy I put into planning every detail of that party shames me even 9 months later. I clearly remember my mother showing up, seeing me sweating and franticly trying to hang up more decorations as the guests started to arrive, and telling me to get a grip. I kid you not.
I’m not sure exactly who I was trying to impress with that party. I know it wasn’t my daughter; it wasn’t my friends and family; so it must have been myself. You know, the inner slave-driver. If it’s never good enough, how can you possibly stop, right? Like ever.
Since this is a known pattern, I’d already told my family that as soon as the party ended, I would need about an hour alone to recoup. Even that didn’t set off alarm bells in my mind. Why not just avoid the stress in the first place? (You’ll be happy to hear that this year, she is having a few girls over and we’re ordering pizza. Done. No need to consult Pinterest even once.)
Overdoing causes stress, which leads to all sorts of problems, among them weight gain and illness. By doing all these other things, we aren’t taking time to rest or spend time doing something for ourselves. I’ve also been known to take on a project and literally not stop until it’s done. I might be shaking with muscle weakness and about to fall down from hunger or thirst, but dad gum it, that garage looks amazing!
Some of this perfectionism comes from the need to prove that I’m not lazy, that I can make things happen. For some reason, and I think it goes back to how my dad encouraged excellence and accountability when I was growing up, any spotting of weakness, physical or emotional, makes me cringe, even in myself. I’m positive he didn’t intend that to happen!
Another thing Elizabeth Gilbert said in that interview is that we shouldn’t wait to put something out into the world because we think it’s not good enough. We’ve got to be brave, counter our own criticism, and just put it out there anyway. “If you can just finish something, you’re already 10 miles ahead of everybody else because most people won’t. And what will make you finish it is not discipline, but self-forgiveness. We all start our project on Day 1 with the same level of excitement, and on Day 2 we all look at what we did on Day 1 and we all hate ourselves. The people who pick it up again on Day 3 are not the most disciplined ones… they do what they can and forgive themselves and go and do more. It’s just a little bit of humanity toward your poor self.”
I have a paralysis with art right now. Sometimes I will get an idea, but before I can even begin, I’m afraid it’s not going to be “good enough” so I don’t even begin out of fear of making mistakes.
I know it’s ok to make mistakes. I know there’s nobody judging. Except me. I feel better having a plan. Having a clean house. Getting things done. However, I no longer think it needs to be all or nothing.
Tanya teaches that the 3 P’s MUST be released so you can have a healthy body, peaceful mind, and live the passionate, purposeful life you were born to live.
Tanya is an international coach and leader, teaching and supporting women globally through 1:1 coaching, virtual programs, and live retreats. Learn more about Tanya and her work at www.tanyapenny.com. She will be leading program in November where she will dive deeper into these 3Ps and provide healing and support.
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