I think we should all let go of the pattern of thinking we need to be perfect, comparing our path to others, and judging ourselves. Aren’t we all exactly where we are supposed to be? What exactly are we afraid of?
Tanya Penny offers a free 3-part virtual workshop if you sign up for her mailing list. Her workshop includes a video lesson, an audio lesson, and a live virtual class, each with lots of great information about what these patters are, how and why they manifest in your life, and how to heal from them.
She teaches that perfection, people-pleasing, and pretending to be superwoman are sometimes all linked together. If you have one, there is a good chance you have 3. They are patterns that can be sneaky, and if we want to change them, we first need to identify and accept them.
The 3 P’s can make us sick, gain weight, cause anxiety/depression, AND hold us back from living the passionate, purposeful life we are here to live. I have struggled with all three of these qualities big time. I have had all of those serious consequences Tanya mentions. There were a few times in my 20s that I thought I dealt with them for good, but I see them creep back in each time I enter a new phase of life.
Tanya teaches that the 3 P’s MUST be released so you can have a healthy body, peaceful mind, and live the passionate, purposeful life you were born to live.
The 3Ps are driven by fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of loss of approval. Financial loss. We think we won’t survive the loss of love, approval, or money. We are afraid that if we disappoint someone, they won’t give us the love or attention that we need to survive and feel safe. Often we are carrying out what our parents modeled for us in childhood.
Our unconscious beliefs control our actions (or inactions) every day. They are conditioned in us as children or simply by our culture. How do we heal? First we reprogram those beliefs. Catch yourself in a damaging pattern and consciously shift.
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I am positive that many of us are “Control Queens” and “Yes Women,” so we are going to address each “P” one at a time and really look at what it is and how to release ourselves from its grasp. Let’s start with “People Pleasing” today, followed by “Perfection” on Wednesday and “Pretending to be Superwoman” on Friday.
People Pleasing
If you’re anything like me, you grew up wanting to please your parents and teachers. Hearing my mom or dad say they were disappointed in me was worse than any punishment. Still today, I sometimes agree to tasks even if I don’t want to because I don’t want someone to be upset with me. And I tend to “over-give.”
People-pleasing means you put other people’s needs above your own and you may not even realize it. Self care is so important! Lack of it can run down our immune system and create illness.
Do you say “yes” to something when you know your heart really doesn’t want to do?” Do you allow others to do or say things to you that aren’t nice? (criticism) I said yes to chairing the school’s book fair because I feel that I “should” give time to my daughter’s school. I taught religious school last year because I felt a sense of responsibility but also because I admire my friend who’s the director and did not want to disappoint him or change the way he thinks of me. Over the summer, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue as the Girl Scout troop leader but I feared disappointing the parents of the girls. (Luckily, that’s not the reason I ultimately decided to continue, because doing something for the wrong reasons is a sure path to failure and resentment.)
I often give others’ needs priority, moving my own wants to the back burner. Some of it comes with being a parent. Still, if I do this too much, I can over-do it in a huge way, exhausting myself and requiring that I step back from commitments and priorities. I leave little room to listen to what I want and little time to rest or spend time doing whatever it is lights me up inside.
This speaks largely of fear. We are afraid that if we disappoint someone, they won’t give us the love or attention that we need to survive and feel safe. In my most recent job, I went above and beyond my actual job description in order to please my bosses. I craved their words of appreciation and I feared any criticism.
When my daughter was born, I struggled with the decision of wanting to be at home with her, but I feared the opinions/judgements of my family, friends, and coworkers.
The need to have other people think my time is spent on worthwhile things has led me to pack my schedule with far too many obligations than I find comfortable (or fun). I thought that I had to be working or friends/family would wonder what I do all day (people-pleasing and superwoman) or a certain amount of things (superwoman and perfection) or there will be negative repercussions. I finally realized that I had to listen to my heart and make the decision that was best for me and my family. It was more important that I know my priorities and my limits and respect them than to fall apart trying to please anyone else.
People-pleasing is tied into our sense of self-worth. We think that we need someone else’s approval in order to feel worthwhile. I often act as if I can’t bear for one person to have negative feelings toward me. That need to please, whether it be our family, partner, kids, friends, or even the nice checkout lady at the grocery store, leads us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do.
What ultimately changed this for me was parenting. I was trying so hard not to disappoint my daughter, to keep her happy and calm. Well, that is not good parenting! She is going to have to be displeased with some decisions and that’s just all there is to it. She would scream in protest about something, and I would know in my heart that I was right and let that fact comfort me. Who’s in charge here?
And it’s the same with giving control of ourselves to someone else… anyone else. Who’s in charge here? ME!
We need to value ourselves most of all. It sounds selfish, I know, but our relationship with ourselves needs to be #1. Of course, you have to do your job at work, but you don’t always have to say yes to that extra project. You have to take care of your children, but it’s ok if you say no to something they want and they get upset. They’ll deal.
I have had anxiety, depression, weight loss and weight gain because of this trait. I’m much better these days at making time for my own needs and desires. I am aware of it when I’m rushing through to-dos all day long, not taking the time for rest, reflection, or my own wants, and I change course.
Sure, everyone needs love and approval to some degree, but we can learn to give it to ourselves and stop seeking it from others. So much of my new interest in spirituality is about tuning in to what I most need and want. There is wisdom inside you that can teach you what your purpose is and how to best go about living it.
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Tanya is an international coach and leader, teaching and supporting women globally through 1:1 coaching, virtual programs, and live retreats. Learn more about Tanya and her work at www.tanyapenny.com. She will be leading program in November where she will dive deeper into these 3Ps and provide healing and support.
I do extra things for people, when I do them, because I see a need that no one else is filling, and that I estimate I can handle. If it pleases them, so much the better, but it’s not necessary.
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I agree. It feels good to help and do the right thing too.
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This life lesson is an interesting one for me. Married to an alcoholic I learned I pleased in order to walk on eggshells, then found myself angry and screaming and being the exact opposite of pleasing. I’ve since settled into a belief in being congruent, what I say, is what I think, is what I feel. I find that works best as my new ideal. When I was a ‘people pleaser’ I felt like a fraud. “Why do things when your heart isn’t in it?” I’d say to myself. Then months later, realize I wasn’t doing anything for others. We humans walk a fine line in knowing when to be there for someone and when it’s fraud. Being the girl scout leader is being there for many little someones, Naomi. Everyday is a choice.
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Being authentic is SO much of a relief after being the opposite for so long, isn’t it? It’s true… if your heart isn’t in it, we won’t be very effective. Thank you for what you say about being the girl scout leader. That helps me feel even more that I’m making a difference somehow in these little girls’ conception of women, being in the world, living their values, being heard and feeling important, etc. You are so right.
I think you are so right that the root of most of stresses in our lives is fear that we won’t be good enough, be loved, be secure, be valued. Of course every time you overdo for fear you won’t have done enough, you set yourself up for failure, because we all have limits. I am so glad you found the inner strength to get out of that nasty trap. Sometimes I feel the same way about my decision not to have children. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t work out, but it’s tough not doing what society expects of you, and society expects Superwoman! It sounds like a very good class, especially for you.
Fear is at the root of so much insecurity for all of us. Thanks for your comment. I heard an economist on a podcast yesterday say something like: having a child is really insane if you think about it. You’re letting someone into your life who can’t even speak English, who cries and NEEDS something nonstop. They require lots of your time and attention and energy and money. And then you ask them to stay for 18 years or more. What kind of idiot would do that? I guess lots of us!
After I had my daughter and realized all this, I decided not to have any more kids. Of course, I adore her and she teaches me so much every single day. But still.