I am an intuitive and sensitive person by nature. It can be a positive ability to be able to sense others’ emotions and moods. But what we do with that energy is what I want to talk about here. There was a time in my life when I would absorb anyone’s moods and become unsettled and anxious if they weren’t calm or happy.
The examples are plentiful. That coworker who wouldn’t speak to me and refused to tell me why, thus causing me to walk on eggshells every time I was around her and to think of nothing else but what I could have done to so upset her. Not only was it unhelpful to absorb all this negative energy, but it was self-centered and a sign that I myself was off balance. The boss who was in a bad mood for reasons probably completely unrelated to work, but making me anxious and fearful nonetheless. Even my husband, whose work stress often comes out in his tone of voice. I used to easily let this change my own mood. Basically, I could never relax (unless I was alone) because my sense of stability always depended on something/someone external.
It dawned on me while reading about this in a marriage book that I am currently able to self-soothe. Something has radically shifted and I didn’t even realize it! David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Schnarch writes that “self-soothing involves turning inward and accessing your own resources to regain your emotional balance.” In guiding couples in overcoming emotional blocks, he highlights how “connection with your partner requires solid connection with yourself.” If those earlier situations were to arise now, I think I would handle them differently. I can separate myself from a friend’s emotion and wait (maybe not entirely calmly but at least realizing that the ball is entirely in her court and the upset is all her own) until she can communicate with me more effectively and we can resolve the situation. I can separate myself from that boss, allowing her to have her bad mood and myself to remain unfazed. And every day, I interact with my husband without (mostly) getting pulled into his stress. I am more productive, more of a friend, and stronger as a person with this ability to remain on my own two feet.
How did this change come about? Schnarch suggests that “going through – not around – crises often triggers differentiation.” The key to interdependence is that it’s only safe to focus on your partner when you have an unshakable center within yourself. I think it must be parenthood that has finally caused this change within me. I simply wouldn’t have made it through if I’d been swayed by every emotion my toddler exhibited in a day! Somewhere along the journey, I learned to quiet myself and to stand strong, to be that calm presence for my daughter. In being able to do so, every other relationship I have is more of an asset to me.
What a realization! Feel free to share in the comments how you absorb or reflect others’ emotions.
