Permission to be me – a 40th birthday reflection

40.  That sounds substantial.  14,600 days… most of which were really good ones.  I feel young and old at the same time, if that makes sense.  At least, I definitely know enough now to realize how much more there is to know.  Yet the possibilities seem infinite still.

This is a good chance to pause, look around, and see where I am.  40 years is more or less the amount of time it took for me to know myself really well, and I’m grateful for that knowledge.  (I’ll probably say the same thing every year, but really… each moment of our lives has led to this very moment.)  I’ve had multiple phases in there, some when I felt like an entirely different person.  At least, I don’t remember much about those times when someone talks about them.  Are you sure that was me??? I usually try to focus on “the now” rather than the past or the future, but this is a great milestone for reflection and to mine for treasured bits to keep hold of.

There was early childhood, when I was quiet, creative, overflowing with love from my family, and tucked in bed every night with stories, prayers, and a kiss.

There was grade school, full of learning and fun.  I was the shortest one of my peers.

Then middle and high school, where I grew ever more competitive and perfectionistic.   I passed notes with great friends, decorated my locker, and joined lots of school clubs.  Still, I felt that I didn’t really belong to one particular group. Sometimes I ate lunch in the bathroom.

College was a collection of different experiences, depending on the interest, living situation, and boyfriend of the time. I started many great friendships that last today.

During and after graduate school, “real life” began.  Got a fulfilling job, met Mr. B, and grew true friendships.  Somehow these last 17 years have passed at warp speed.  I don’t really know how I went from having a sticker collection to having a husband, a child, and a house.  I mean, I do, but woah.

When I was young, my friends and I would play “going on a date.” I’d imagine having my own car to drive, a boyfriend to go places with, and a bank account.  It all came about in its own time… I have responsibilities, but I still feel young and idealistic.  I still dream.  I hope I still will at 98.  I want to be one of those old women who wear purple.

This feels like a great opportunity to let go of old insecurities, of saying yes to help anybody and everybody, and to decide how I want to spend the next 40 years.  Because I’m on to me.  I know my strengths and am intimate with my weaknesses.  If I don’t carve a path, the path will be created for me.  And I still need to do the work to let some old traits go.  There is so much I want to become.

A few lessons I’ve learned growing up so far:

• It’s all about the real connections.  There have been moments to treasure and I appreciate those all the more now.  A friend coming over in high school to help me through a hard time because she’d been through it too, another friend coming over with chocolate and “The Heartbreak Handbook” in college, my brother sitting with me during a stressful event in the middle of the night, true concern during illnesses from family and friends, those who traveled far to be with me on my wedding day, being there to hold my cat’s head as we said goodbye to him, the love my parents and grandparents have for me, all the celebrations and hard times with true friends, a life partner who is there at your best and your worst and all those times in between, and those beautiful souls who send sunflowers when they can’t be here in person… I am so blessed.
• When I was young (like earlier this year), I said “yes” to things like giving up Sunday mornings with Mr. B so I could spend time unappreciated with rowdy fifth graders who don’t want to listen to me, all because of my idealistic notions of who they could become.
• Heartbreak lessens over time.  You realize that the things that happened TO you may have happened FOR you.
• The greatest gift you can give someone is your presence.
• I don’t “have” to go to dinner with that friend who talks incessantly about her body pain/illness the entire time.  No more friends with drama.  (Family is another story.)
• It’s the little things that matter most.
• Authenticity is so much more fulfilling than any show you could put on.
• Each of us is already perfect.  We can always fine-tune and become better, but we can stop all the internal pressure!
• I am strong within.  Way stronger than I ever thought.
• I can learn something from every person I encounter.
• How we talk to ourselves is so important.
• It is completely ok to have limits.  It’s ok to feel tired, to not be able to help everybody (so so hard), to not have learned Italian, to have jiggly thighs, to not be good at something new… yet,
• Most people are doing their best.  Consciously forgive the rest.  (Myself included.)
• I can trust my inner guidance.  I can be content.  I can feel gratitude for it all… people and lessons and nature and love.

So on this milestone birthday, I give myself permission to be every aspect of my idealistic, perfectionistic, complex, sensitive, control-freak, intense, intuitive, spontaneous self.  I’ve always done the best I could at the time, so I have decided to let go of the past regrets, illnesses, weaknesses, and mistakes.  I forgive myself wholly.  (That feels good!!!)

Mainly I would like to continue forging the spiritual path I’ve only just come upon.  I wish to carve out more moments for introspection, learning, and studying.  I will also seek to share my own unique way of knowing and seeing with the organizations I’m a part of.  I am newly chosen for the boards of the AJC, Houston Hillel, and Temple Sisterhood, each a meaningful way to be part of my local and global community.  Exciting things await.

You know how it’s so much easier to rest when someone (especially a doctor, tells you it’s non-negotiable? I have a friend who literally prints out permission slips for herself in order to make something “official.” And so I also give myself (and you!) permission…

… to count my blessings,

… to narrow down my focus to the important things and let the rest fall away,

… to express what I need and desire,

… to allow every single emotion to be, to cry when I need to cry and laugh out loud,

… to sense the rareness and value of life,

… to allow the strength or the weakness to settle unquestioned, to live at the edge of sadness for awhile if I wish,

… to share myself with others,

… to try to be open-minded by default,

… to say no simply because I want to be alone  (I need space the same way I need air.  My intuition and knowing comes forward only in this way),

… to embrace the things that bring me joy,

… to respect my body and its wonder and work, feed it with nourishment and allow it to rest, to live inside it and to love it no matter what,

… to remember deep breathing in times of stress,

… to make peace with my past and surrender to my future,

… to say YES much more often and to follow impulses that feel right,

… but also to say NO with assertive self-care,

… to keep taking steps toward realizing my dreams,

… to stop putting limits on myself,

… to be precious and powerful and everything in between,

… to forgive myself and others,

… to get out into the community and find like-minded people,

… to know that I am responsible for my happiness,

… to always choose life (thanks, dad),

… to make myself happy by doing what I love,

… to believe in miracles and to watch for them daily,

… to let my thoughts wander,

… to search for experiences that make my breath catch in my throat,

… to relish my daughter’s childhood,

… to show up, applaud, and take it all in,

… to have courage or frustration or fear or joy… whatever emotion bubbles up from within.. to let it all be there and know that it is ok,

… to know that I deserve to speak up and defend my voice, to know that the smallness I feel is not real,

… to realize that I’m doing pretty ok with the tasks before me right now.

“Especially in the first half of life, introverts are most interested in discovering exactly what it is they have to offer the world. They see self-knowledge as a prerequisite to authentic action. Without an adequate map of themselves, they feel lost and aimless. For them, external circumstances are far less important than self-understanding and self-direction. Once they have a sense of who they are and what they should be doing, they feel they can be happy anywhere.” Dr. A. J. Drenth, My True Type: Clarifying Your Personality Type, Preferences, and Functions

In sum, I am so very grateful to be alive.  As I continue to learn more about myself and what I can offer the world, I’m joyously anticipating the next 40 years.  I can’t see around the bend, but I know it’s going to be awesome.  AND I’m thankful to you for reading what I share here… and commenting!