This week’s Torah portion is about building a sacred space. While wandering in the desert, the Israelites needed a central place for God to dwell amongst them and to look to for comfort and direction. We read that each person was identified for a specific task. Each person has skills and abilities and should embrace their passions as a way to find partnership with God. Who are we to deny our innate gifts? Each one of us needs to tap into our creative capacity because this is how we build ourselves and our community.
The past four years (at least) for me have purposely been full of learning and discovering. It has been surprising and remarkable, like walking barefoot on soft sand when you’ve only ever worn shoes. There are nuances to discover and treasures just beneath the surface that I never knew were there.
Making a significant change in your life usually entails a deep review of your previous choices and deepest yearnings, as well as where you treaded off-course, perhaps on multiple occasions. It involves contemplating quiet messages from your soul, and possibly ones that are not-so-quiet. The actual decision might be quick and easy, but the road to get to that decision is rarely short and sweet.
For me, it meant tuning into those moments that gave me goosebumps and awaked me to what I most needed to feel fulfilled and alive. Fortunately, it was easy to change the shape of my days and enroll in a graduate program. I didn’t have to disrupt my family or move across the world as some personal choices seem to require, and we have the financial ability to pay for this education.
One danger of my love of learning is that I am interested in and want to know so much more – and right away. Of course, the more I learn, the more sure I am of my decision to go to rabbinical school, and the more I realize the vastness of what I do not know. I often feel that I’m racing against time. If I only have a certain number of days, a specific amount of time to fill, I want to be even more intentional than I already am in what I fill it with.
I’ve never been one to watch much tv or sit around chatting, but I’ve come to some odd new place where I am not content because there are so many books I want to read and experiences to be had! I have been making a lot of lists, such as “Webinars and Podcasts to Catch Up On” and “Long-Term To-Dos,” both of which are rather lengthy.
It’s about breadth, but depth as well, and how to do it all. This inevitably leads to lack of self-care. It seems to be a cycle for me, and one that is now more intense. I know that if I give myself some down-time for rest (body and mind), I’ll have more capacity for school and for others, and yet …
I have long felt that there is a path I am meant to be on, but there are no obvious road signs for how to get to it. I know I am on it when I have a sense of recognition that I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing, when possibilities bloom from nothing and I have a giddy sense of awareness of the blessings in my life. It could be a book that speaks directly to my soul as if I wrote it myself, a feeling of safety and warmth as I close my eyes in communal prayer, a recognition of the ease of conversation with a soul-friend, or a playful curiosity when creating something new.
I know when I’m on that path, and I am recognizing more and more moments of alignment with that path. I have a group of people that I hold close and who I can tap into when I have a life-direction quandary. I’m currently doing this about how to direct myself toward more moments of alignment. What gets in the way of my walking this path full time? How do I overcome my lack of confidence? How do I put myself into more situations where I’ll feel those shivers of recognition?
After one and a half years as a rabbinical student taking classes online, I have experienced two powerful in-person retreats. They are immersive and all-encompassing and somehow exclude the natural laws of place and time… the conversations are deeper, and three days feels like three weeks. When I combine that with the travel, lack of sleep, and intensity, I come out of that spiral a different person.
The November retreat left me spinning. I encountered so many different forms of prayer and learning that I was overwhelmed. I met “famous” people and talked with them as if they were not. I witnessed so many different ways of being on a spiritual journey that I am still processing it.
Now that I am home from my second in-person gathering, I see that I’ve learned many new things and that I’m a little bit changed already. First, I have an “expertise” in a few subjects and could talk about them and people will listen to me. This is truly shocking to me and leads to the second revelation… I need to overcome a lack of confidence in myself. Does this come with practice and exposure? What is this about? How many people will need to tell me I’m incredible before I think so too?
After the first retreat, I felt an overwhelming sense of regret that I didn’t do this 25 years ago. It was a crushing sense of loss of valuable time. This time, that feeling is still there, but less so, and I can see that things unfold in their correct time, and that it just wasn’t the right time before. I need all of the life experiences I have had in order to allow this new venture to naturally evolve and to bring wisdom to the journey. The fact that it feels so right is what I wish I had years ago. Younger me tried so so hard – searching, dreaming, looking for my people – and I wish I could take away all that uncertainty and all those tears. She could not find her voice, and now that I feel sure about where I am and what I’m doing, I want that for my younger self too.
What a lesson… it’s a matter of trusting the unfolding, of exploring the soulful journey that I’m on, of watching my own evolution and really tuning in to my soul’s voice. I’ve decided to stop focusing on what is missing and focus instead on what I can create. I have met some beautiful people already and I have learned a vast amount about myself and my abilities. I’m looking forward to all the tomorrows ahead.
Go ahead and follow your dream. What a wonderful role model you’ll be for your daughter. Kol Hakavid!!