September check-in

I seem to have had more free time than usual these past weeks, so I’ve been listening to quite a few books while diamond painting. Some days I sit and watch the squirrels playing in the backyard or read a magazine. This space inside my days is a new, slightly uncomfortable feeling for me. I tend toward the melancholy if given too much of it, so I am watchful over myself and my moods.

This season of the Jewish New Year is one of renewal and evaluation. Have I been my best self this past year? How do I want to be slightly different in the coming year? I am proud of being much more present for my family, of diving into my studies with curiosity and deep interest, and of being open to new ideas and possibilities for the world. I think I’m making a difference in facilitating Mussar groups, opening people’s minds and hearts to a new acceptance and love. And I am open to stretching into new capabilities. I am not at all happy with the extra weight I am carrying around, but am trying to speak gently to myself about it.

Most days, I am content in my own little world. When I listen to a news podcast or read current events, I alternate between despair and hopefulness. I think things come in cycles, and surely our country/world has been here before. Still, I recently read that civilizations last on average for 336 years, so… perhaps our experiment of a nation will last for 80 more years or perhaps democracy is on its way toward the exit doors? I’m very excited about the midterms in 6 weeks. How could there not be ramifications for a president who potentially committed bank fraud, or stole nuclear secrets, or obstructed investigations, or tried to overturn the election, or incited a violent insurrection? Sewing such division in the fabric of our nation is bound to cause ruptures. It’s just so scary to me how far people are taking this! Where is common sense, kindness, humanity?

September went by rather quickly. I started a very interesting class on Jewish views of the afterlife throughout history. I got a 95 on my Hebrew midterm. I have been trying to clear out my email inbox, which seems to fill up more and more every day, so it’s a Sisyphean task. The school year is in its 6th week now, and though my daughter would rather stay home doing nothing all day long, she’s doing well in 8th grade. She and I did a collage workshop for a rehabilitation home for formerly homeless people, which I enjoyed. I also helped the PTO allocate grant funds to teachers last week, and I spoke up much more than before, asking questions and making proposals.

There is a slight reprieve from the heat and humidity in the mornings here, and I finally got to resume outside walks around the neighborhood after I take SG to school. It’s nice to see the houses and gardens again and wish neighbors a good morning. My walking friend moved away and I really miss her!

And I’ve obviously read way more books than usual! There have been quite a few new releases and I’ve also been enjoying Goodreads, looking for recommendations from the community there. In fact, I am going to post these reviews there before I forget. I have passed my goal of reading 85 books this year, so next year’s goal will be higher.

Dear Life: A Doctor’s Story of Love and Loss by Rachel Clarke

So good!! The timing couldn’t be better since I’m taking a class on Jewish historical views of death and the afterlife. A palliative care doctor describes some of the ups and downs of her job, then the experience of being on the other side of the situation, as a grieving daughter. She is honest and does not hesitate to approach end-of-life moments with tenderness and compassion.

“What dominates palliative medicine is not the proximity to death, but the best bits of living. Kindness, courage, love, tenderness – these are the qualities that so often saturate a person’s last days. It can be chaotic, messy, almost violent with grief, but I am surrounded at work by human beings at their most remarkable, unable to retreat from the fact and the ache of our impermanence, yet getting on with living and loving all the same.”

“I wanted to retain my kindness, my impulse to care, not have it bludgeoned out of me. The spoken word, I had come to realize, could be as delicate and important as any physical intervention, and sometimes equally life-changing. Words are a means through which doctors build trust, assuage fears, signal compassion, resolve confusion, instill hope – and, on occasion, remove it. But they cannot be rushed. Above all, when your focus is people, not body parts, taking time to listen to your patients’ words – seeking truly to understand what matters to them – can have astonishing potency.”

How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing by K.C. Davis

Function over Processes. Do whatever works for you to get things done. And remember that care tasks are morally neutral. A messy kitchen sink doesn’t mean you are lazy – it means you are prioritizing other things, often just to get through the day. Davis has a few excellent ideas for freeing yourself from shame or overwhelm and for getting rest even if things are not completely finished. Great advice for a perfectionist or someone with depression, ADHD, or a newborn.

The ‘Mussar’ Movement and Lithuanian Jewry by Jehiel Jakob Weinberg

Not much new material here, in my opinion, but still interesting to read about how the rise of Mussar practice in the 18th century was controversial.

The Woman Who Smashed Codes: A True Story of Love, Spies, and the Unlikely Heroine who Outwitted America’s Enemies by Jason Fagone

Elizabeth and William Friedman were two of the best code breakers in our country during the first and second world wars. Elizabeth decrypted thousands of Nazi radio messages and enigma machines, rose to great importance in the Coast Guard, and formed the beginning of what became the NSA. Yet have we heard of her? No, J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI manipulated the press and took all the credit! She saved countless lives. I learned about a part of the war I’d never heard of… the Nazi spy rings operating in Argentina and throughout South America, and I was fascinated at the descriptions of exactly how these codes worked. Now solved by computer, they had remarkable patterns and ways inside to get a foothold on part of the message and figure out the encryption patterns. Fascinating.

Mensch-Marks: Life Lessons of a Human Rabbi – Wisdom for Untethered Times by Joshua Hammerman

Hammerman gives us 42 short essays about character and lessons learned throughout his career. He has tried to be a “mensch,” a human of character, through every challenge. It’s refreshing to hear about someone searching for moral clarity and personal growth.

“I can now say, unequivocally, that being a rabbi has helped me grow into a far better human being than I would have been otherwise; a far more caring person, more appreciative of the precious legacy that I’ve been charged to reenergize, and more amazed, every day, at the simple dignity and courage of people, great and small. My sacred work has enabled me to make a small difference in the lives of some, maybe even more than that, but it has undoubtedly enriched my own life to a far greater extent.”

The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han

My daughter and I both read this one and she watched the tv show. Coming-of-age story that cost me a full box of tissues. A good beach read.

Bloomsbury Girls by Natalie Jenner

Audiobook from my library. Set in a bookshop at a time when women had very little power, three woman, each with her own story, eventually take over the ownership and running of the shop. It’s an inspiring story.

“She hoped to share the words and ideas of women long gone from this earth; women who could no longer speak. Within their determination to not stay silent could still have an effect even now. Evie believed that her study of the past was worthwhile but wanted what she discovered there to echo forward as well. It was 1950 and the world was once again being given a second chance after another all-consuming war. People had only the past to learn from, yet already they seem to want to forget and move on to the future. But there were no lessons to be found there; only promises instead. Evie had to wonder how empty such promises would turn out to be, not just for her with her hands almost on Jane Webs last book, but for the women freed by war, the men move into new lives in new countries, and all the harmed and hurt survivors left behind.”

Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan

What a powerful story! This book took an hour to read and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. In a small Irish town, a struggling yet grateful coal merchant comes across something that isn’t right. He could look the other way, but he ultimately decides to be a quiet hero, putting his own family in a vulnerable place. The story is based on institutions for “fallen women” that the Church in Ireland ran from the 18th-20th centuries.

“…was there any point in being alive without helping one another? Was it possible to carry on along through all the years, the decades, through an entire life without once being brave enough to go against what was there and yet call yourself a Christian and face yourself in the mirror? How light and tall he almost felt, walking along with this girl at his side and some fresh, new, unrecognizable joy in his heart. Was it possible that the best bit of him was shining forth and surfacing, some part of him, whatever it could be called (was there any name for it) was going wild, he knew. The fact was that he would pay for it, but never once in his whole and unremarkable life had he known a happiness akin to this.”

The People We Keep by Allison Larkin

I listened to this on Chirp and enjoyed it. I like most books that Julia Whelan narrates. A young girl/musician with terrible upbringing hits the road and often leaves the people who love her the most, hurting herself and others. Eventually all the strands come together in a satisfying way, showing that we can surround ourselves with the good people in our life.

What We Owe the Future by William MacAskill

Wow. This book is absolutely outstanding. Are we facing a critical juncture in the human story? MacAskill, a moral philosopher, takes a very broad sweep of time and human civilization, sharing predictions and concerns for the future. I have so many quotations from it that it will have to be a separate blog post.

“This book is about longtermism: the idea that positively influencing the longterm future is a key moral priority of our time. Longtermism is about taking seriously just how big the future could be and how high the stakes are in shaping it. If humanity survives to even a fraction of its potential life span, then, strange as it may seem, we are the ancients: we live at the very beginning of history, in the most distant past. What we do now will affect untold numbers of future people. We need to act wisely.”

“…consider the long-run history of humanity. There have been members of the genus Homo on Earth for over 2.5 million years.7 Our species, Homo sapiens, evolved around three hundred thousand years ago. Agriculture started just twelve thousand years ago, the first cities formed only six thousand years ago, the industrial era began around 250 years ago, and all the changes that have happened since then—transitioning from horse-drawn carts to space travel, leeches to heart transplants, mechanical calculators to supercomputers—occurred over the course of just three human lifetimes.”

How to Get Things Really Flat: Enlightenment for Every Man on Ironing, Vacuuming, and Other Household Arts by Andrew Martin

I couldn’t tell you how I came across this one, but it’s $1.99 on Kindle, and the sample was hilarious, so I read it. I laughed out loud many times and even learned a few tips! A section title, for example: “Household Aesthetics: A Brief Introduction for the Tasteless Man.” Plus, Martin is British and has interesting words for products that I’d never encountered.

The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers by Wendy Mogel

Living with a teenager can be an emotional roller coaster, so as soon as a friend mentioned that Wendy Mogel had a book about it, I had to read it. I found it very helpful in terms of understanding what behavior is normal and how best to respond to it, what to do to temper her sense of entitlement, how involved to get with school and homework, and how to live with communication struggles. Generally, Mogel thinks parents should not overreact or worry, and should continue listening and trying to shape as much as they can without helicopter parenting. Emotional days, rude comments, etc. are all part of the game.

On rude comments: “They aren’t thinking about the impact of their behavior or the implications of their words on you (your self-consciousness about your hair, your cooking skill, your parental worthiness); they are telling you about themselves (their easy embarrassment, their finicky and rapidly changing teenage palate, their low mood at the moment).”

“In the world of teenagers, being spacey is normal. Lack of imagination about the consequences of one’s actions is normal. Shifting enthusiasms are normal. Terrible boredom with you is normal. Your child’s conviction that it is a tragedy of earth-shattering proportions that she has been born into the wrong family (so strict! so boring! so ordinary! so lacking in compassion!) is normal. Your daughter’s endless dramas and urgent demands are normal. Your son’s preoccupation with food fights and barfing is normal. Your child sullenly reminding you that Natalie and Natasha and Nora all have parents who are more understanding and cooler than you are is normal.”

Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid

The storyline and writing were compelling for sure, but I wish this book were to come out in 5 years. I’d just watched the movie King Richard, and also watched Venessa Williams play her last game at the US Open. This comeback story of a tennis star coached by her father just seemed a little redundant for our times. Still, I couldn’t put it down and read it in 2 days. I loved that she learned to enjoy the process instead of the outcome.

“You could not pay me enough money to go back to being seventeen. When I was seventeen, my talent was all potential and no proof. The world was a giant set of unknowns, barely any past to pull from. I am so grateful, right now, for every match and every win and every loss and every lesson that I have behind me. It feels so good, right now, to be thirty-seven years old. To have figured at least some things out. To know the ground underneath my feet.”

Little Weirds by Jenny Slate

Gorgeous, funky, and utterly different from anything else I’ve ever read. Some of the words Slate comes up with are hilarious as she describes how she moved into a secure place within herself where she is no longer self-defeating and will not allow someone else to define her. She is real, yet unlike anyone else I know. I wish I could meet her because she seems awesome.

Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout

I really enjoyed the first of this series about Lucy and her ex-husband William, so I had to read this one. It takes place as the pandemic begins and Lucy and William retreat from NYC to a house in Maine. I think Strout has a poignant way of turning words into little sparks that pierce your heart. And it helped me to recall the beginning of the pandemic… the fears and all the unknowns. This quote helps me better understand the divisions within our country:

“I thought I understand those people who went to the Capitol and smashed the windows… I kept thinking about this. I thought for one hour that day outside of Chicago I had found my childhood humiliation so deeply again and what if I had continued to feel that my entire life? What if all the jobs I had taken in my life were not enough to really make a living? What if I felt looked down upon all the time by the wealthier people in this country who made fun of my religion and my guns? I did not have religion and I did not have guns, but I suddenly felt that I saw what these people were feeling… and I understood them. They had been made to feel poorly about themselves. They were looked at with disdain and they could no longer stand it.”

The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel

I knew from reading Station Eleven that this book was going to be a little “out there.” Much of the story takes place outside of the realm of reality, either in a dream state or some kind of in-between place. We have a Ponzi scheme, a few others on various life paths that all intersect, a woman who lost her mother to sea and who ultimately also drowns. We read about each person’s perspective, but at different points in time, so it’s hard to piece it all together until the end. It’s magical and lyrical and touching and very hard to put down. Recommend.

And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School by Judith Warner

This one was not what I was looking for. Warner’s main point is that parents make these middle school years worse than they need to be, either because they are trying to correct their own past experiences through their kids, or because they are entitled and overly focused on status and achievement. She brings up common assumptions like, “We all knew that middle school was the place where girls’ souls went to die.” Oh please. She urges parent-child boundaries, for the benefit of each side. I found the chapters on the historical trends of 11-14-year-olds interesting, and the parts where educators and psychologists chime in were valuable. Obviously, a parent wants their child to be empathetic and kind, so Warner says parents should be a role model of just that… which is obvious to me.

“We all want to shepherd our kids through this phase of life with as little emotional damage as possible. What we don’t realize, though, is how at risk we ourselves are of being knocked off course by the overwhelming power of our own worry and concern.”

“One driver of all this damage may be the fact that there’s a big glitch in the way the brain develops in the years after puberty: Its different systems don’t all mature at the same time. The “emotional brain”—the limbic system—ramps up fast with exposure to the sex hormones and remains in a state of high alert for years, while the “executive functioning” system, controlled by the prefrontal cortex and tasked with organization, self-regulation, and self-control (of both behavior and emotion), lags far behind. In fact, the latest research suggests that it doesn’t finish developing until the mid-20s. These findings should give new meaning to our notion of early adolescence as an “awkward” age: Behind that face and body that just won’t obey lies a command center at odds with itself.”

Thank You for Listening by Julia Whelan

Julia Whelan is an amazing audiobook narrator who can do several different character voices and all very effectively. However, she isn’t a writer. I had hoped this was a book about her personal work experiences, but it was not. It was still an ok story. It just should have ended hours before it did.