Liminal space

“We can’t let scary things distract us. We can’t let unfair things stop us. We can’t let annoying things make us give up… Soooooo buck up, little brave girl. You are gonna make it, and it is going to be AWESOME. You are so very loved.” ~ Melody Ross, Brave Girls Club

The words above were in today’s inspirational email. They are always very timely.

I have been a little bit overwhelmed of late. I am very excited that our house will be finished in 11 days (eek!) and yet there is so much happening that I don’t know how I could possibly do it all.

I was venting to Mr. B on Saturday while we were clearing out our house’s garage and the room above it in preparation for carpet and paint. (Not sure why I saved some of that stuff, but 2 years later, it definitely had to go.) I told him that I have way too much on my plate right now. (Keep in mind that this is the end of his sales quarter and yesterday he pulled his back. We both are a little crazed.) My hope for our move was that I’d have time to unpack our things where we want them. Instead, I’m going to have to do that some other time and there will be boxes for a couple of months.

Life has gotten really hectic. I have been at the house many times a day lately as so much is happening. Still, big projects are coming up and they need my attention.

And then yesterday we had to put our sweet 1-year-old kitty to sleep.

She had been to the vet a few times last week and we learned that she had kidneys 3-4 times the size they were supposed to be. She is also anemic. She was on medicine for a few days but it was obvious that she was not getting better and she was not her normal, rambunctious self. She was not eating or drinking and so I decided that rather than wait and take her back to the vet today, I’d take her to the emergency clinic. There was very little they could do after the xray and bloodwork. She was bleeding internally and not responding to medication.

I’d already been having a rough day and this was a true shock. When the doctor told me that she is really, really sick and that poking and prodding her for a few more days and spending thousands of dollars would most likely lead to the same result, I put my head in my hands and cried. At that moment, it wasn’t even about the cat.

It feels a little bit to me that the blocks keep piling on top of one another and at some point, I’m going to fall over from the weight of them. So I just had to give myself a minute to surrender to them and feel sorry for myself. Then I felt a little better.

Keeping things in perspective, I realize life is pretty good right now. These are all first world problems… new house, volunteer projects, spirituality class facilitation, getting to search for a great middle school.

I called Mr. B and Sweet Girl to come over to the clinic. It is soooo hard to watch your child in emotional pain. So hard. I held her while she cried, which made me cry too. We talked to the doctor and decided together that the most humane thing to do was to say goodbye.

Interestingly, we lost our 12-year-old cat Sammy exactly 5 years ago. I remember it was Sukkot (the Jewish holiday that started yesterday evening where we spend time in temporary structures outside, symbolic of our time wandering in the desert). This holiday is meant to show us our own vulnerability and the impermanence of things, among other things.

As we grieve today and yet still look forward to good things to come in the next few weeks, we are reminded (yet again) that nothing is guaranteed. Not life, not home, not anything. We must be full of gratitude for what we do have: time with those we treasure most and memories of the rest.

I was looking for the Facebook post from 2014 about Sammy and came across this. Good reminder.

And finally, some bad poetry I wrote a couple weeks ago:

Expectations are a bitch
Unmet, the resistance within rises to a crescendo so deafening
Rational thought cannot come through
Only the weight of unread emails, oppressive heat, no personal space, pants getting tighter

Feed the fish, open the shades, clean the clothes, take out the trash
Scoop the litter box, vacuum the crumbs, wash the dishes, get to the gym
Design the flier, help the teachers, attend the class, make the dinner
Limit technology, get the mail, help a friend, select the pattern

Return the package, complete the application, schedule the meeting, finish the book
Buy the toothpaste, fix the printer, transfer the money, order the furniture
Stop, look, remember, appreciate
we are all doing the best that we can

Surrendering tears peek out a moment here and there
Before traffic and school pickup and you must do your homework and what do we have to eat
Budgets light fixtures grocery runs conference calls meetings deadlines
Adult concerns drain my simple joy

What if I can’t 
Something is bound to fail – parenting, moving, projects, responsibilities
How is it balls stay in the air most of the time
An introvert’s incessant iphone pulling like gravity

What am I meant to learn
Ups and downs ever steeper 
Listening, advising, ever full of motion and answers
What more can I give