“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” ~ Martha Graham
Somehow I got it wedged in my mind (probably filed away in between “perfectionism” and “unrealistic expectations”) that my creative time and efforts are valid only if I am making a profit from them. Partly this is due to comparing myself to already-established artists and teachers and partly it’s some internal definition of success that I need to let go of.
I’ve had three main creative goals for the past couple of years now. They weren’t written down anywhere, but were well-known to me and me alone.
- Exceed my expectations of what I’m capable of.
- Give other people joy and value.
- Make money from it.
So far I have achieved goal #1 for sure. Over the past two years, in taking all these e-courses, I’ve learned so much and had a blast. I absolutely love my creating time and never thought this would be my day-to-day.
I hear from family and friends that #2 is true (unless they are making that up to humor me).
#3 isn’t going so well, but I wonder why that’s important to me at all. Maybe it’s some kind of validation? Like, by buying my art, they are obviously saying they like it and want it? I’ve been doing some photo shoots and have sold a few photo prints on my fine art site, but not many card sales or anything from my Society 6 shop.
After struggling with this for quite some time, I am letting it go. I do not want to think about it any longer. I do not want to compare myself to friends or be jealous of professional artists.
I am simply going to trust that there is some other path for me right now. I derive great personal value in expressing myself through art, decorating my own home, and gifting little lovelies to friends and family. The Martha Graham quotation speaks to me deeply. I know for sure that each and every one of us has Light and Love and Goodness inside. Each of us has unique gifts to bring forth. Each of us has a path we are meant to travel.
Here are some new replacement goals:
- Learn new techniques through e-courses.
- Give myself, friends, and family joy and value.
- Enjoy the process.
I must not be ready for whatever I think I “should” have right now professionally, and so I will continue learning and playing for the intrinsic pleasure it brings me. I will try very hard not to judge myself and will remind myself over and over to simply let it go. Whew.
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