Each person in my family has what we call a “thinking spot.” It came about as a way to model for our daughter how to gain control of strong emotions in a healthy manner. Anytime one of us feels angry, frustrated, or not ready to speak calmly, we encourage them to go to their thinking spot as a way to calm down. It is probably why most parents use time-outs, except that instead of trying to end a negative behavior through enforced separation or reflection, which leads to defiance in this house, this is an attempt to cultivate positive emotions in a soothing environment. It is available any time, not only after negative behavior.
If someone needs to relax, regain focus, or remember who they most want to be, they can sit quietly in their thinking spot, surrounded by their favorite things. It assumes the best about someone: that they must not be themselves at the moment because they are not behaving in a positive, loving manner. We don’t necessarily need to discuss the cause of what made someone need to go there either, because they naturally come to it on their own while there. A few deep breaths helps immensely no matter what the issue is. There is usually an apology afterward too.
Every person’s thinking spot is different. Mr. B’s is simply his favorite living room chair where he can close his eyes for a few moments. My daughter’s is a comfy chair in a corner of her room and it is surrounded by a little bench of (unlit) scented candles (it’s very hard to cry or scream when you are trying to smell something), squeeze balls (for anger release), paper and markers for expressing emotions, and her CD player for soothing music.
My original thinking spot was taken over by the cat, and since I naturally gravitate toward spending time in our sunroom watching the birds and flowers, I made that my thinking spot. I enjoy spending time there every day. I rest, read, write, and enjoy being close to nature. It’s my favorite spot in the entire house.
There are times when my daughter is particularly exasperating and I will take a deep breath in front of her and say, “Wow. I am feeling very frustrated right now. I am going to go sit in my thinking spot for two minutes and then we can talk about this.” Not only does she see me trying to calm down before my emotions take over, but she also sees that it’s ok to separate from the situation for 2 minutes to take care of yourself. (I hope she will use this on the kindergarten playground or with her friends.) I want to teach her that it is best to speak calmly and rationally and to listen just as much. If we can’t do that, we usually end up at some extreme that we soon regret.
There are also times when she is very upset, repeating the same thing over and over again and not listening to any reason, when I will say, “Wow, you seem very angry. You need to go relax in your thinking spot until you can discuss this calmly.” And I walk away. Since it is a safe and comfy spot of her own creation, there is no resistance. Works every time!
And the best is when she will say to us, “I think it’s time for you to go to your thinking spot!” She usually recognizes our frustration before it escalates and likes to tell us we need a minute because, well, who wants to be with an angry parent? She is usually right.
I encourage you to try a thinking spot of your own, even if you live alone. It can only be a good thing to have a favorite spot where all your favorite things are, where you can go to find your center, remember your priorities, and focus. Let me know if you have one or try this!
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