Why connection is so important

I am writing this on Sweet Girl’s 8th birthday.  I have learned more from being a parent of this child than I’d guess she has learned from me, though who really knows how much we take of each other.  The past years have been mostly joyful, sometimes exhausting, and always full of mindfulness of the great gift that a child is.  As one of her parents, I have a huge responsibility to teach her patience, love, and inclusiveness; to guide her in her ever-more-difficult decisions; and to inspire her toward her greater potential.

Today’s Daily Groove parenting e-mail was about how misbehavior is really mis-alignment. You have to know that the philosophy comes from attachment parenting, where connection is the most important method to ensure you’re in alignment with your child and that expectations are mutually understood.

Scott says, “Calling it ‘misbehavior’ is an interpretation that closes your heart. It prevents you from seeing the behavior as an indicator of unmet needs, and it sucks the power out of your partnership.”

Think about this. What is the source of any disappointment, frustration, or sadness in your life? You feel misunderstood, right? Someone doesn’t see where you’re coming from. You are not on the same wavelength.  You aren’t connected.  Once we understand where someone is coming from and we voice our heartfelt empathy, we gain cooperation and collaboration and strengthen our partnership.

Anytime SG has behaved in a way I don’t prefer, my focus has been elsewhere and our connection could use some strengthening.  It has played out time and time again.  It seems to me the same can be said for the state of our world today.  We have to understand where anyone is coming from when they commit any act that isn’t out of love.

There are those who unfortunately were never taught or shown love and so they simply know no other way.  There are those who are deeply fearful of anything “other” that might be different than themselves (and therefore potentially harmful and to be acted against out of self-preservation).  There are even those who don’t do terrible things out of fear of punishment, which doesn’t necessarily mean they are coming from a good place.  They are still spreading false ideas to those around them. 

We hear every day of countless violent acts, of cruelty toward “the other,” of floods and fires, of airstrikes and cyber-warfare and explosions and terrorism, of corruption and fraud, and of homelessness and refugees, and lately of power-hungry presidents-to-be who are selfish, greedy, and unwise.  This is no accident.

The truth is, we create our own reality.  We are the navigator of our own lives.  We chose when, where, and to whom we are born, the difficulties and joys of our lives, the people we come into contact with, the deeper purpose we have.  We choose where we live, how we treat other people every single day, whether to take the high road or the low.  Our thoughts, words, and actions make a difference.

I believe that all things are possible.  I believe there is meaning to be found in every event and interaction and that every person is some part good (and maybe confused and disconnected).  However, we’ve got a challenge right now in terms of connection, and the severe lack of it is causing no end of sad things happening in the world.  I almost added “unnecessary,” but maybe they are necessary?

In my previous work in coordinating many types of interfaith and inter-religious dialogues, there would sometimes be tension but most of the time our discussions were full of shared values, laughter, and a sense of humor about current events.  True friendships were formed and strengthened.  Those connections proved useful not only as examples for others, but in resolving tension in times of crisis.

I believe that our individual energy draws circumstances toward us.  I believe that the people, events, and patterns in our individual lives are a reflection of our own thinking.  I don’t think things just randomly happen to us, but are rather a result of our narrow thinking and the way we live our lives.  If you feel you are a victim or others are to blame for something, perhaps some deeper introspection is needed.  Maybe we will not figure out why some things occur, but I trust that logic and truth is there somewhere.  Every experience adds to our life experience and changes who we are and who we can become.  Our responsibility is to remain positive – learning, growing, and doing our very best.

I also believe that our collective energy is a reflection of how every individual is consciously (or maybe even blindly) viewing their own life.  It has the power to be all love/peace/happiness or to cause irreparable break downs in our world.  Exclude one group and you’re also excluding yourself.  Inflict violence against someone and you’re hurting yourself.  Take something that isn’t yours and you’re taking it from yourself. Why? We. Are. All. ONE! What affects one affects the whole.  Each person that tosses trash out their car window, each desperate act of violence… they negatively affect countless more than they even intend. If the collective energy is negative, filled with false ideas of scarcity, blame, resistance, discrimination, and fear, there’s the threat that our civilization will fail and disappear.

Today I’m wondering if we are headed toward that failure.  I hope not! I hope that every negative news event that pops up in my Facebook feed is one step closer to some kind of tipping point and our collective energy can move more towards love and understanding… of true connection.  Old systems will have to move on or break down.  Rather than feel that we are all doomed, I choose to believe that each person can learn that we are all One and that we need to take care of one other in order to move forward.  There is no Other.  This can be a time of sweeping, eye-opening change… or we could miss the opportunity yet again.

Looking into my daughter’s big brown eyes, I tell her today that I treasure her and that she is powerful in many ways toward creating her bright future and in sharing that truth, caring, and optimism with everyone she encounters.

In the face of such current confusion, misplaced passions, and countless examples of darkness, what’s a peace-loving idealist to do? Keep being the light.