Let’s say you are driving to the airport for a very important international trip and you come upon a great deal of unanticipated traffic. You realize that you should have left far earlier than you did. In situations such as these, we tend to jump into blame or self-criticism (I should have known to check the traffic! Why do I always do this? I’m so irresponsible…), self-isolation (These things only happen to me. Everyone will be there except me…), and self-absorption (OMG, everyone will know! They’re going to talk about me and then when I get there, they will laugh at me. I am awful at planning ahead. I feel terrible…)
But you and I won’t be falling into that train of thought again, right? Now we have self-compassion skills! The exact opposite reactions are self-kindness, recognizing the common humanity in the experience, and balancing our negative emotions (mindfulness). We will speak carefully and lovingly to ourselves. We will be sure to realize that everyone around us is stuck in this traffic AND we are not the only person who has ever been late to the airport. We will sit with our feelings of nervous anxiety and breathe through them. Or at least we will try to!
At first (and let’s face it… probably always) we will need to remind ourselves to focus our attention on what we are feeling and truly feel it. Then comes the tough part: stop fighting it and accept it… and no judging! (That’s the mindfulness part.) For me, this part takes major intention. I keep going back to how I WISH it would be and why I am right and the situation/person is NOT. Then I accept it again. Next, treat yourself with love. Speak nice words, understand why you are hurting, realize you are never alone, etc. Finally, if you need to, respond or act thoughtfully (not react involuntarily).
Sometimes we are in an unpleasant situation, like our mad rush to the airport or getting a bad prognosis at the doctor. Sometimes it can help to ask yourself if this will matter a year from now. Can you let go of the small stuff? Maybe the fight with a friend touches on important values, but maybe it was stupid. The drive to the airport will be forgotten but the health news is important. Once we have things in perspective, we can filter our thoughts and only pay attention to the important ones. Neff writes that “The nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life, even in hard times.”
“The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of replacing negative feelings with positive ones, new positive emotions are generated by embracing the negative ones. The positive emotions of care and connectedness are felt alongside our painful feelings. When we have compassion for ourselves, sunshine and shadow are both experienced simultaneously. This is important—ensuring that the fuel of resistance isn’t added to the fire of negativity. It also allows us to celebrate the entire range of human experience, so that we can become whole.”(Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself)
So congratulations! We have taught ourselves some new patterns and skills! When we consciously choose to experience our emotions, thoughts, and physical feelings and also choose to accept them for what they are. With self-compassion, we are also choosing to accept ourselves, just as we are.
