Dear Lady Jane,
When you ask to borrow my phone, I know it’s to watch a You Tube video. I have about 50 educational apps on there but you usually bypass those. You like the DIY craft videos, the Nerdy Nummies blindfold taste challenges, tours of people’s purses or rooms, as well as the ones where people open Shopkins or other toys and play with them. Often, you are so absorbed that I could offer you a week off of school and you wouldn’t respond.
Sometimes you will show me something in a video that you’d like me to get for you. The urgency in your voice! We have begun giving you a small allowance so that you could buy your own overpriced plastic, perhaps learning in the process that a tiny, mass-produced object is not worth 4 weeks of saving. Yet so far, they are worth it to you.
It is so simple to learn of something, quickly look it up on Amazon from a phone, and tap that little “one click” purchase button. Voila! 2 days later it’s in our house. I admit, I have not been a good example for you. The difference is that I’m buying cat litter or a new doorbell, not something fun, because (unlike you) I’d rather stay home and not go to the store.
I just “straightened up” your playroom and your bedroom (Tell me, what kid has TWO rooms??) and ended up with three full trash bags of what I call “junk” to recycle. Slips of paper from playing school or bank ages ago. Toys from the Chickfila kids meals. Pens without ink. Yet another keychain. A halfway-done craft. None of these items would be ok with you to discard had I asked you, so I do these sweeps when you are in school. It keeps me sane and you don’t seem to notice.
I also collected a box of items to give away. Some of it was something you just had to have in the moment while at a store or yes, watching one of those videos. To think I used to be so vulnerable to your enthusiasm for them! I’ll have to hide this box in the garage until I take it to a donation center because you are very attached to everything. I don’t know if it’s related to the topic of this letter or if it’s a developmental/security thing.
It’s easy to be struck by a shiny new object and think we “need” it. Happens to me and daddy all the time! It’s a normal thing to covet something we don’t really need. The difference between us and you is that we (sometimes) have self-control. That’s what this letter is about.
Your confidence has overflowed into a sassy swagger and you think you’ve got it all under control. You know how you want to wear your hair. You like certain kinds of clothes and shoes. You are totally fine with a mess of stuff all over your bed and desk and floor and closet. There’s very little I can do to influence this stuff, though I do try. Probably the same mother-daughter struggle across all time, right? Thank goodness I still have 10 years to shape your moral compass because you are definitely not ready to be released into the world on your own just yet!
I have been struggling to teach you responsibility and this letter is partly about that. I mainly want to talk to you about the concept of the separation of your external world and your internal world. I want you to learn self-control, building in a delay before coveting absolutely every new object you see. Given, it’s probably a rare 7-year-old who appreciates what they have and realizes they need nothing else. I know you’ve heard about wants vs. needs in school and I know that conceptually, you get it. Real life application is another story completely. Hence, those birthday party goody bags full of microscopic hair combs and silly putty that sit around your closet or playroom for years.
The only person who truly knows what goes on inside of you is you. If you would actually stare out the car window at the clouds instead of instantly wanting to be entertained… if you would take a few deep breaths and appreciate the air in your lungs… If you would listen to your thoughts and your heart… if you would ponder how you could be better in some small way… you would come to know your internal world.
The external world? Everything else. It comes to you through your beautiful brown eyes. The YouTube videos and every object you learn of there, your interactions with your friends, your life at school, our dinner conversations – all part of your external world. You can’t truly control these things. The only thing you can control is yourself.
Of course, I can’t really know if you consider things like this. I know you are extroverted and you like to stay moving. You have a lot to say and do and you don’t like to sit still. But what would happen if you did?
You can manage your responses to those You Tube videos. I would love for you to watch something and say to yourself, “I don’t need that. It’s really cool and maybe I’ll get it some day, but for now, I have enough.” I KNOW! It’s hard and I’m expecting far too much from you right now. That’s why I haven’t told you any of this for real yet. I’m still in the “modeling” and “thinking out loud” stage of teaching.
It can be a real struggle to decipher the difference between a real desire and an impulse. I know we don’t help by giving you so much. Let’s say you really could have every Shopkins toy out there… then what? I haven’t actually seen you play with these things beyond opening the packaging. If you want to show me that you value these toys, take care to put them on a shelf. Take them out every so often to play with them. Leaving them under the kitchen table to get stepped on only tells me that you covet the latest and greatest but don’t truly know the value of anything.
How can I teach you that you already have everything you need? You have 2 whole rooms in our beautiful and safe home! Let’s get some perspective. We have so much abundance in food, clothing, and entertainment that we have choices! You can take food in your lunchbox but not even eat it all.
When we are in the craft and stationary aisle of Target, you can barely move. Your eyes get large and you start touching everything. It’s funny to me sometimes but mostly I feel sorrow. I’m powerless to control your eagerness to attain things for yourself. These things won’t make you any happier or more fulfilled, but you want them so much. I say no. We leave, both of us upset in some way. I know that no matter how many notebooks or pens you have already at home, you are still going to want another. And I understand. I do. I’m a sucker for those pretty things too. But I realize that I don’t need them. I can keep walking, grateful for everything I already have and that I’ve been provided for in more than enough ways.
I value my alone and quiet time because I tap into that internal world and reflect. I think about whether I treated a person compassionately or if maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge. I think about decisions I need to make. I open myself to listening to my heart. It’s nothing woo woo, but I think it does make me a better human being. I’m sure of it.
I wish for you that you will develop that inner world for yourself. Then perhaps you will learn to decipher between “nice to have” and “necessary” and be abundantly grateful for all you’ve been given.
I love you always,
Mommy xoxo
P.S. BTW, I will always buy you any book or any vegetable you want. 🙂
My parents were much more on the “no” side of things, at least partially because my family was struggling financially through most of my childhood. Early teaching of budgeting is a good idea, especially as it also will show the kid practical uses of math (which many students struggle with.)
SKJAM! recently posted…Book Review: The Wrath of Brotherhood
So true, Scott. I think I need to say “no” more often, if only to show that life goes on without that sparkly notebook.
It’s a fine line isn’t it? That between “want” and “need.” As for clutter, I also believe that people are born with different tolerance levels for it. A friend of mine struggled with her daughter’s messy room. I’d heard the best thing to do was simply shut the door. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. However, she declared that the shut door made the hallway too dark. It’s tricky.
Your daughter will treasure these letters when she’s older. That’s a gift.
That’s true… I know my hubby keeps receipts from years ago for no real reason I can see. It doesn’t bother him in the slightest. This morning, my daughter told me she threw her trash away before leaving for school because she knows I like that. Such consideration is exactly what I’m trying to teach her. Success!
I see how valuable these letters to your daughter are to you as well Naomi as it offers an opportunity to explore your own feelings and relationships. You and your daughter will always be teaching each other things, both about each other and about yourselves. I suspect these letters will also become a useful look-back for you to help you remember how you navigated through these times as your daughter grows and changes and continues to develop into the beautiful being she is.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Manifesto: K is for…
I love what you write here, Deborah. Thank you for seeing the value and showing me how much I need to write them as well.
These letters will be cherished by her when the time is right. Nice collection. And as you mentioned, ‘only she knows what is going on in her head’. Only time will tell for you.
Hugs to you….
Elda recently posted…What Do YOU Expect?
What a tricky issue this is! I know so many adults that have no impulse control, and suffer from the dreadful consequences, a house buried in junk. I wonder if that would upset her, if she saw what a hoarder’s home looks like, and she didn’t have anyone clearing her own space. It might not bother her nearly as much as it bothers you. I think people are born with different levels of concern for clutter, as much as they have different levels of need for activity/interactions. I do know that the things you can’t have get much more attractive, the longer you can’t have them, so I suspect straightforward restrictions might backfire, to some extent, and only make her want things more. I do think the experience of spending her own allowance is educational, and I expect eventually her tastes will get mature, with her personality.
“I know you are extroverted …” WHAT??!
Giving your daughter an allowance was the best parenting thing you could do for her. The folks gave your mom and me allowances and we could buy anything we wanted. They provided what we needed. But it did teach me that I could save up to get something expensive or spend now on something small, like candy. Now, I still eat candy, but my savings account is something to be proud of.
Something my oldest daughter has taught me… every moment is a teachable moment. But don’t let that begin in a store. Before going shopping, make a shopping list and stick to the list. NO impulse buying. The things she wants to buy that are not on the list, write down for the next shopping trip.
Also include charity. Tell her to put any amount she wants in the tzedaka box/can every time she gets money. Not many parents are teaching what you are attempting to teach and now, I hear, schools are incorporating budgeting in their classes.
One more thing… if your daughter saw just how many of one kind of toy she has, that’s a teachable moment. Is her allowance going to be wasted on getting another one? Or should she look through the Toys R Us supplement that comes in the newspaper on Sunday and make a list?