Tearing apart the past

spiral journals“You see a wall, you look at it so much and so hard that one day you see clear through it, then, of course, it’s not just one wall any longer.  It’s every wall that ever was.” ~Thomas Wolfe, You Can’t Go Home Again

Is it possible to erase an entire decade? Because I would like to erase all of the 90s.

I was organizing a closet and finally decided to go through all my old journals and re-read and shred them.  I knew that a) they contain writing full of self-doubt and negative self-esteem and b) I never ever EVER want my daughter to find them and read them.  Here’s some of what I found, besides the usual ticket stubs and fortune cookie slips:

Worries beyond anything I’ve thought about recently

“Will he call?” rants

Perfectionism

Over-analyzing absolutely everything

Questions about my identity, purpose, future

Entire pages of excerpts of Thomas Wolfe’s You Can’t Go Home Again and many other books

I was a mess.  It’s no wonder I don’t remember any music from the 90s.  I was so self-absorbed that I barely noticed much at all.  Going from one boyfriend to another boyfriend, all the while carrying my sense of low self-esteem and complete adolescent lack of perspective, is honestly shameful.  So much unnecessary introspection!

“Loneliness, far from being a rare and curious circumstance, is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.”

I decided to start ripping out everything without reading any more. I was ripping out pages with wild abandon and started to feel so free! It was like the past was gone and I could re-create myself and there is no more negative tangible evidence of doubt and worry and all that gobbledygook.  I wished I had done it years ago.

It was cathartic.  I feel different.  Lighter maybe.  I am so vastly different from that person from high school and college.  We are always evolving and no one is the same person they were even a year ago.  Why hold on to negative self-concepts that no longer apply?

I carried bag after bag of shredded paper out to the recycling bin, so much that it was overflowing.  (I didn’t want to risk anyone reading any of it so I shredded it!) I’ve heard of people having ceremonies and burning pages of the past or even burying them.  Shredding was perfect for me.  I highly recommend it!

I kept a few pages that describe the very beginning of my relationship with my husband.  I am hanging onto the journal I kept when my daughter was born.  Other than that, I’ve got a new shelf available.

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12 Responses to Tearing apart the past

  1. Tat says:

    I used to keep a detailed journal when I was a lot younger. Then just a year later I’d read it and think “What a mess” and I’d throw out the whole thing. You’re wiser to have waited for a while until you know what good bits to keep.
    Tat recently posted…Let your light shineMy Profile

  2. Kim says:

    I love this post! I have a storage box of old journals that need to go away and I can’t wait for the time to go through that process!

  3. How funny! I’ve just recently been thinking about digging up my old journals from the nineties. I’m so curious about what will be in there — I’m sure a lot of it will be like yours, all angst. Your post has prepared me for some of the terrors I may find. 😉
    Harmony Harrison recently posted…Nap in the Now, plus a plea for your napping magic from a dear, sick friend (that’s me)My Profile

  4. debbie says:

    Shred and release! Shred defined: a strip of paper or cloth that has been torn, cut, or scraped from something larger. Love that you used the shred ceremony to scrape something “larger.” In a funny twist, shred also means: to a play a very fast, intricate style of rock lead guitar. If you truly missed the 90s music check out Eric Clapton’s Tears from Heaven; Friday I’m In Love (The Cure) and my all time 90s favorite: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day!

    Congrats on letting it go!
    debbie recently posted…Lyrical Photos: Name that SongMy Profile

  5. Linda Watson says:

    I go through my journals every year, usually at New Year’s. I keep the stuff that still has some life in it-maybe ideas about art, something smart that I thought or wrote, whatever resonates. The rest of it I burn in a very nice release ceremony. When my mom died, I inherited all of her journal. Only recently have I been able to burn all of those also. But, you’re so right – there is a whole lot of stuff that daughters don’t need to read in their mom’s journals.
    Linda Watson recently posted…Bookmark Moments of GratitudeMy Profile

  6. janet says:

    Good for you! I did that last year after a friend’s husband died and she found some writings of his that just about destroyed her. I decided that once I’m gone, no one needs to know the dark thoughts I had about them, and I don’t need to remember it EVER. It is freeing, isn’t it?
    janet recently posted…I’m Actually Ahead!My Profile

  7. What bravery! I too have a closet full of journals that could pretty much be summarized with what you have said here! Thank you for being a woman of action! How wonderful to decide to let go of those journals. I don’t know if I will ever have that kind of courage.
    Hallelujah Truth recently posted…#REVERB14 (Day 8): Sustaining feline connectionsMy Profile

  8. Good for you Naomi! And yay for a shelf you can now fill with what makes you feel good.
    Deborah Weber recently posted…ConnectionsMy Profile

  9. Kathy says:

    I so relate! I want to erase my high school years 84-88. Sometimes I think, why did I loathe myself so much and think I was so fat and ugly? Luckily, we moved on and are much stronger for it. Thanks for the perfect reminder to let go of outdated and negative things. Joy, peace, love and light to you!
    Kathy

  10. I feel lighter for you Naomi. I’m really happy to hear that you went back just long enough in that time period to find the insights to help create something new.
    Suzanne McRae recently posted…Journeying with octopus medicineMy Profile

  11. Christine G. says:

    Sounds very liberating!! I love “ceremonies” that end with us feeling freer and lighter 🙂
    Christine G. recently posted…Reverb14 Day 8: ConnectionsMy Profile

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