Who among us can say we are perfect parents? I know I could be more patient and more present with my daughter. After their basic needs are met, our children really only need US… our attention and our respect. Some of my very best memories of my parents are of times they gave me their time and attention…. sitting at the donut shop side by side with my dad when I was 8 and nervous about moving to a new house or at the kitchen table with my mom at 2am when I was 15 and couldn’t sleep. It is the “face time” that matters the most.
I know a couple who are facing loss and rejection right now because they somehow missed this key lesson. There are a myriad of examples, but what is important is that their daughter, now 18, was not getting what she needed at home so she found a safer and more supportive environment in which to finish growing up. Just on the other side of my judgment is compassion for her parents because they must be hurting. Their misplaced values led them to do plenty for their child as she grew but not give her the love and presence she craved. Maybe they thought there would be time for connection later. Maybe they didn’t know how to simply sit and listen to their daughter. Maybe they can’t see it from her perspective. Maybe their own childhoods were lacking. Whatever the case, I am using their experience as a valuable reminder in my own relationship with my daughter.
We could all outsource the parenting tasks we dislike. Someone else can drop them off at gymnastics or feed them lunch. But leaving a child to figure out complex feelings and experiences for herself is emotional neglect. I don’t have a teenager yet, and I hear it’s a ramped-up version of the toddler years, but I plan to arm myself with what works for me right now in those difficult moments with my daughter… my calm presence and acceptance.
All we have is the present moment. Luckily for us, children live in that present moment. I am trying to make better choices these days. I am putting down my iPhone to be available for my daughter’s stories and play. Each moment leads to the next and creates a string of experiences that will shape her memory and self-image. I hope to meet her need for attention and for being heard.
I’m sure there will be things I will not be able to do for her or protect her from, but I can always help her feel safe and loved, smile and laugh and cry with her, applaud her successes and be right there for failures. My main job is to believe in her, to love her, and to show her that love. There is always time for love.
I really love the photo of you and your daughter’s hands on top of one another! So sweet.
Thank you, Andria! She is more than happy to oblige my photography obsession at the moment. Thank goodness.
You have the right stuff…the hard part is remembering it when the time comes…My Grandsons are 3 and 9 months…I hope my daughter remembers all our times together…but than again I didn’t have to work…love is really all they need.
Great post Naomi…I’ll remember it even as a Nana.
That is so true, Cheryl, that “the hard part is remembering it.” I can’t say that I’m very good at that yet, but I’m working on it. When my perspective is one of joy and trying to capture these moments, I am far happier.
You are absolutely right. Kids just want us to be present in the moment with them. We always notice when the kids are craving more of this through their attitudes and behaviors. It is amazing how quickly they can get out of that ‘mood’ as soon as we are more available to them.
YES! I had to remind my beloved of this last night, and it is so true. Even just a minute of listening and eye contact and hugs makes a world of difference.